Yellow
by WindFromTheNorth
Summary: What if Jacob had decided to run away with Bella to avoid being part of the pack? Edward return to Forks only to find out that the girl he loves is gone without a trace. A hunt begins, everything changes. Lemons in later chapters. B/J,B/E.
1. Home

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. **

**Author's Note: If you don't like Jacob, get out. Now. There will be plenty of Jacob/Bella in this fic, even though it will eventually lead to a lot of Bella/Edward. This story was inspired by the movie New Moon, when Jacob and Bella have a conversation in Bella's room in the middle of the night.**

_Well, maybe we should just get away from here for a while. Just leave, just you and me._

_**You'd do that?**_

_I would do it for you._

_**It's not something that I can run away from. But I would run away with you... if I could.**_

_**-Bella and Jacob**_

"_**Love is so short, forgetting is so long."**_

_**-Pablo Neruda**_

BELLA'S POV

The fly was lazy, sitting on the window glass instead of fighting for its freedom. It looked tiny in the piercing afternoon sun.

I was lazy as well, lying on the bed with my limbs scattered everywhere, staring at the fan slowly moving on top of my head and occasionally checking that the fly was alive still. It was a prisoner and I felt oddly moved by its fate.

It was yellow in the room, and warm. It was like most of the motels in Arizona I had sometimes slept in. Hot. Stuffy. Poorly looked after.

This was my home.

No.

My home was with me. My home was everywhere. It was around me, holding me tight. My Jacob.

He was snoring slightly, exhausted from the long drive. He wasn't wearing much and perhaps before all this it would have bothered me but when we had embarked on this journey of insanity I had given up my will - my _right - _to feel bothered.

The first nights had been difficult. But he accepted me even when I cried in the darkness, grasping at his shirt, his cropped hair, the sheets, everything I could reach, encircling myself with him to stop myself from falling to pieces. And I had accepted him when he became moody, escaped to the desert and threw rocks at nothingness and ran as fast as he could. Only to return a few hours later, calm and collected, with red-rimmed eyes. No matter how far he would run, he could never escape me.

Because I was all he had left. The same way he was all I had now. We were living in a world completely of our own, constructed of endless roads, dusty car windows and nights in shabby motels. Our roof was the sky, our floor was the road. Our walls were each other.

This was my home now.

Jacob stirred in his sleep and lifted his head up.

"What time is it?" He asked me in a hoarse voice. What a strange question, I thought. Time had stopped mattering to us. But still he asked it sometimes.

"It's half past five," I told him and he stretched his muscular form, yawning widely and sitting up on the bed. He had been sleeping for an hour, ever since we had come here. I didn't even know where we were. Place had stopped mattering as well.

"We should go eat," I said and got up. He nodded, yawned again and started dressing up. I was looking at him and felt tenderness build up inside of me. He was my only ally and my only future. The only future I had left. I couldn't exist without him.

I hugged him and he hugged me back, his warmth comforting me. I should stop being so melancholic, I decided. For Jacob.

And it was getting better lately. The further we went the easier it was to not think. In our world there was no past, no _him_ and no Sam.

Yellow was good. Yellow was like Jacob: warm, cozy and easy.

EDWARD'S POV 

Forks. The rain. The dark gray roads stretching towards the city and the green woods dominating the scenery on my both sides. The smell of damp soil and the freshness of the mountain air. I had missed this.

My decision had been formed suddenly, without much hesitation. For the past months I had been determined to never, ever go back. One day - only forty hours ago - I had simply realized that unless I went back to her I would surely go mad and take as many lives with me as I could. It was simple, like acknowledging the fact that spring follows winter, or that snow melts when you throw it into a flame. I was melting now and she was my flame. My sanity had been leaving me. I was slowly becoming one of those mad old vampires that went and threw cars through walls in broad daylight simply to have someone end their suffering.

So I had left immediately, not even bothering going back to my hotel room to retrieve any of my things. I had ran to the nearest airport, taken the first flight I could back to the US and the first connecting flight I found to Seattle. When I had left I had left my old car to a warehouse in Seattle. I had retrieved it and driven recklessly fast towards Forks, towards _her._ I had waited for nearly nine months - my patience was growing thin.

On the way I had passed the old muddy road sign that was fighting for its space with several wild plants that tried to take over. Forks, it had said.

Home, I had read.

Her house was empty. I was presently hiding in the shadow of the deep green woods, relishing in the joy of finally being in here, so close to her home. I had spent some of the best days and nights of my existence in here - most of them actually. Everything looked so much the same as the last time I had been here. It was early summer now, the grass was lusciously green and the nature was making more noise than I remembered. The yard was wilder and looked a bit neglected. Bella's car was there, its roof covered in some leaves. It looked neglected as well and I found myself wondering enviously if she had found someone else to give her rides and stopped using her car altogether. I was burning to see her, to hear what her life had become.

I was trying to decide how to show myself to her. Should I go to her room, open the familiar window and sit on her old rocking chair, the one I had sat in so many times before? No, she would scream upon seeing me, alarming her father, who clearly wouldn't take trespassing all that lightly. Especially by me.

Perhaps I could wait till she came home and show myself here, and ask her to come for a walk with me. But that plan made me remember our goodbyes too clearly. It would probably unnecessarily upset her.

The simplest but by no means easiest plan was simply to wait till Bella came home and ring her doorbell like any other person. And if Charlie was home, explain myself like I should - I could no longer escape responsibility. If he wouldn't let me see her I would, of course, use her window.

And if she wouldn't want to see me...

Well, I had no reason to expect anything more.

It didn't matter if she would reject me or if she would hate me - I only needed to see her. To see her alive and well, laughing, running, stumbling, _living._ And I would gladly accept every emotion she would spare for me in return. Even hate.

I would leave. I'd like to think that.

JACOB'S POV

She still looked sad sometimes. The road stretched in front of us like a dark river, bringing us closer to our future together. I didn't know where it was yet, but I was determined to find it. I was determined to find her happiness at the end of this road.

Sometimes we had bad times. Sometimes we had to drive into the desert and sit quiet for hours, hoping that the police car we had passed or seen wouldn't come after us. Sometimes we spent ages flicking through news channels, nervously waiting for our pictures to show up. Or look through notice boards. Or listen to people's conversations. And if we heard something, sensed something we fleed. Sometimes we drove for two days straight, out of paranoia and fear. She would bite her nails and I would drum the car door with my fingers. I knew she worried and I tried to shake her worries off, acting cheerful and making her smile. Often she would forget, at least for a moment.

Sometimes we had good times. We would turn the radio of the Rabbit on when a good song - always a cheerful one, otherwise we would turn the radio off - would come on and sing along, laughing and making faces, barely paying attention to the road. We would spend time in the hotel rooms, practicing throwing grapes and candy to each other's mouths. She sucked at it of course, and I was obviously great at catching. But it was funny anyway. And we had small joys, like finding a nice motel room and taking a warm shower after a long search. Going to the movies occasionally when we were in a big city. Finding a decent breakfast.

I loved her. I loved her in the sunset, when she was leaning her head out of the window and the rays of sun were dancing on her hair, colouring it with hues of red and caramel. I loved her hands when they reached out to touch the speeding air outside, and the way she stretched after a long sit in the car. I loved her in the evenings when she pulled one of my old t-shirts over her head and walked around the hotel room looking like a porcelaine doll that was dressed up by some devious little boy.

I loved her during the nights when she let me wrap my arms around her and pressed her cheek against my bare chest. I loved her in the mornings when her hair was unceremonially messy and her eyes sleepy. And I loved her when she was fresh from the shower, smelling of soap and shampoo... smelling of woman.

I longed for her, my entire body searching for hers. We walked hand in hand, I kissed her hair when we went to bed before falling asleep and she sometimes slept in the car with her head on my shoulder. I was in heaven. This strange life we had chosen for ourselves, the selfish decision we had made - it was my personal heaven. Even when we had to sleep in the car and woke up with our muscles stiff and shivering from the early coldness of the morning and when I had to kill the hundredmillionth of a cockroach that made her jump on a chair in our lodgement and even when I sometimes felt like the burden of my decision was killing me - _killing _me-, I was still happy.

Because I had something I had never ever had before. I had Bella.

Sometimes I didn't even know if she knew she loved me. Her body knew it - I could hear it in her heart. It was pumping her full of my love and I fed it lavishly. I wanted to be perfect, for her. I was ready to wait for her. I was ready to be anything for her.

We were together in a way that there were no words for. We were together because we had nobody else.

**To be continued...**

**Author's Note: Hope you enjoyed. I think many of you will be disappointed about the way I am describing Jacob but I like him as a character. Don't worry. This is deep down a Edward/Bella fanfic, you just need to be patient.**

**For those who want to get straight to the Edward and Bella action, go and check out my two-shot fluff-smut fic "Thoughts and Actions." I am particularly fond of it and it seems like the readers have been pretty happy with it too...****;-)**

**R&R, please!**


	2. Away

**Disclaimer: Don't own it.**

**Author's Note: I don't know where this story was born from. I just woke up in the morning and I had to write. I feel like a maniac but I can't stop myself. I hope you at least like it. But if you don't I'll continue anyway.**

_From error to error one discovers the entire truth._

_- Sigmund Freud _

_Anybody can become angry, that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not within everybody's power, that is not easy._

_- Aristotle_

EDWARD'S POV

It was dark now, the time well past nine. Charlie had come home hours ago. He had looked very much the same he had last time. Only his hair was a little longer and he looked more tired than I remembered. He was getting old, I realized, watching him get up from his car and walk, while rubbing his neck, to the door.

I was still waiting for Bella, but something felt wrong. I had heard Charlie go into the kitchen and open something that made plastic sounds and throw that something in the microwave and eat alone in the living room, watching tv. Every once in a while he went to the kitchen to dig a bottle of beer from the fridge - I heard the sound of him opening the bottles. Perhaps Bella was sleeping over at someone else's place? I wondered. Perhaps that's why her car was there?

I felt a stab of jealousy in my chest. What if she was staying over at a boyfriend's place? The whole idea seemed utterly impossible, even though I had naturally thought about it before. But now, face to face with her new life, I found myself terrified that she had gotten over me. In just a few months. Was it possible that it had been so easy to convince her I didn't love her because in reality her love had been fickle enough to die like a flame? And she had thought mine was of the same kind?

I guess I should've felt happy that my plan was going as I had intended. But I couldn't feel happiness, only sheer terror.

I was still selfish enough to want her back. That was the real reason I had returned - I had come back to make her mine again, to tear her well-organized life back to pieces, to selfishly covet her as I had done before, to make her love me again.

And the loss I anticipated now was instead tearing me back to pieces, showing my true ugliness, the selfishness of my actions. Everything I had done had been a lie, just like the words I had uttered to her in these same woods I was hiding in now.

I couldn't stay here. I ran away. Like the coward I was.

I wandered along the streets of Forks, not managing to shake off the self-pity and loath I felt for myself. I was alone, the streets already empty and the stores closed.

I had ruined everything, _everything._ I should've known myself well enough after all these long years to know that I never could've been strong enough to let her go. In the deepest, ugliest corner of my mind I had always known I would end up coming back. I just never had admitted it to myself.

I ran without joy until I came to the city, already dark and deserted. I sat down on a bench in front of a book store and buried my head in my hands. I needed to collect myself. I had to go back, but I needed to get my feelings back together before I did. Perhaps she would be home this time, I hoped. Perhaps she would cry in my arms, call me every name in the book and then let me kiss her and allow us to have a new start. I would be better, I promised myself. I would be perfect for her.

Even if she had a boyfriend, what would it matter? She was my other half, my life, my world. How could anyone compete with the devotion I felt for her?

How could anyone compete with me?

It was already nearly eleven, definetely past the conventional visiting hours. But I had to go back, even if it would lead to nothing but being yelled at by Charlie. I got up. I was about to start running when something caught my eye.

Her face.

It was printed on a yellow paper along with the face of some boy's and glued to a street lamp. And there was a text on top of the picture that would've made my heart leap if I still were a mortal.

**HAVE YOU SEEN THIS PERSON?**

CHARLIE'S POV

Another lonely night. It had been like this ever since Bella had left over a month ago. I was back in my old life - freezer meals, beer and football in the evenings, instant coffee in the mornings. And the fear, always nagging somewhere in the back of my mind. I hadn't heard from her since the post card she had sent me from Seattle two days after she had left.

_Hi dad,_

_I'm fine. I can't really tell you much but I'm with Jake and we're both ok. There was just some stuff and we needed to get away before it got worse. _

_I'm happy. Happier. I'm - - _

_I can't tell you when we're coming back. I w - I am not sure if we will. Please don't look for us._

_I'm sorry. I love you._

_Bella._

That was all my daughter had sent me after vanishing into thin air. A little card that was just as cryptical as her good-bye note had been. No answers, only more mysteries.

She had dissappeared right when I had started to hope that perhaps she would be fine after all. I had thought that Jacob Black would be a good, healthy thing for her. Someone trustworthy. Someone who would perhaps be good enough to deserve her. But I had been wrong.

Billy and I, we weren't what we used to be either. We had both lost our children and in a strange way it had united us, but at the same time we secretly blamed each other's kid for the disappearance. Billy had received no message, absolutely nothing from Jacob and I felt his pain every time he asked me if I had heard something new. My only consolation was Jacob's size and his maturity - perhaps he would be able to keep my Bella safe. But who would keep Jacob safe? The world was big and dark for two teenage-runaways. It wouldn't treat them kindly.

Of course we had looked for them the best we could. We knew that they had left with the Rabbit and it should've been easy enough to find. Seattle was the first place we looked and the police over there indeed found some witnesses who had recognized them from the description. A small, brunette girl who was travelling with a big dangerous-looking native, both avoiding attention - of course people remembered. But we heard little that was useful. We learned that they had driven to the South and that once they had bought food from a gas station along the road 90. None of the near-by motels we asked remembered having seen them, although once someone recognized that there had been a "big Indian guy that looked kinda like trouble who rented a room for himself only."

And another time a guest at a motel had recognized Bella's picture, saying that she had rented the room next to his for one night. The guest had asked her if she was travelling all alone and upon hearing that she was, had invited her to come over and have a drink with him. She had declined the offer and later that night the guy had heard a male voice on the other side of the wall, and had felt irritated that she had invited some other guy to her room.

The motels had been in different directions and no one had seen the Rabbit, so it was hard to say if we had even stumbled upon the right track. There was also one other quite reliable sighting that I hoped against all odds had not been Bella - someone told the police that a girl who looked like her had asked in his motel if they had any rooms available and had seemed to worry about the room rates - the guy had offered her a business card of a nearby Hooters, telling her they were hiring extra girls for a couple of nights. She had accepted the card but not stayed the night in the motel.

I guess in his own way the guy had tried to be helpful, but I wanted to smash the son-of-a-bitch's face in when I heard this.

I guess it was my fault, for having taught Bella too well about my profession. If she wanted to not be found she knew how to move without making herself easily found. She knew the car was the first (and the easiest) thing we'd be looking for and she also knew that if they checked in to the motels individually it would be harder for the staff to remember them. They always paid in cash and laid low.

But I knew the size of Bella's college fund and I knew that quite soon they would be in trouble. And when she needed the money, some Hooters bar might be hiring new staff.

I was drowning my eighth beer when the door bell rang suddenly. It was late, half past eleven already. My heart started racing. I got up and went to the door, my hand lingering on the door knob. I was always hoping, against all odds. And I was always disappointed.

_Please, let it be Bella._

I opened the door.

"You!" I yelled, my rage bursting to flames like a match.

The source of all this, the one person that would never have any business coming back to this city let alone my door - standing there, in the misty night air looking as if these long, difficult months had never even happened, his face as youthful and well-maintained as ever, in his clean outfit and freshly shaven face. His appearance seemed to be mocking Bella's, the last time I had seen her anyway. She had looked so dead, and this guy was so... alive.

"_You_!" I repeated and before I realized what was happening I charged at him, my hands automatically clenched into fists, ready to smash his too-symmetrical, too-unattached face to a bloody mess. This boy had started all the misery in our family - he had ruined Bella, left her to mend her life back together and eventually caused her to disappear forever. I knew it in every single cell of my body - this boy was the reason why she wasn't here right now. The reason why she might be in some sleazy pub serving drinks to dirty old men who paid her to remove her clothes.

But this boy was also very fast. Or perhaps I was just very slow because of the alcohol. He moved aside quickly, taking a couple of steps to the right and I stumbled on my face on the porch. I got up quickly, ready to charge at him again.

He held his hands up, signaling surrender. My hands were still clenched in fists when I asked him in a hoarse voice:

"How _dare_ you show your face here again? How _dare_ you come back after what you did to my daughter!"

There was a flicker of something in his black eyes, but I wasn't sure what it was. Then his face was smooth and expressionless again. I realized, for the first time, that there was something scary about him. I couldn't put my finger on what it was, but for a moment I felt very insecure standing there with nothing more than my fists, and thought briefly of my gun that was on the table mere two steps away. His expression changed, his eyes looking at me intently, but more softly.

"Mr. Swan, sir, please. I have come back because I simply need to see Bella again. I made a terrible, terrible mistake - - "

I cut him short.

"If you're here to see Bella, too bad for you. She's not here and I don't know where she is. Now get the hell away from my yard and never come back."

I stepped back in and tried to close the door on his face but he put his foot in between. The nerve he had!

"Please, Mr. Swan. Listen to me. I know she's not here - I saw a notice in the city. I just need to know what you know about where she might be because I simply need to find her!"

I stared at him with my mouth hanging open.

"You really have some nerve, Cullen! After all these months you show up on my doorstep in the middle of the night, demanding me to tell you what I know about my daughter's whereabouts! What the hell makes you think I would tell you? What the hell makes you think you have the right to hear anything about her ever again?" I barked at him.

"Because I love her." He said solemly. I tried to close the door to his face but he just wouldn't move. I jerked the door harder, with all of my strength, but it didn't move an inch.

"I think I could help. Finding her."

I stopped. And looked at him suspiciously.

"Do you know something?" I asked, my rage boiling inside of me still. If this git had anything to do with her disappearance...

He shook his head. "No, but I have some...acquintances that might be of help finding her."

I stared at him for a very long time. He still held his foot in between of the door and the frame and I was still holding the door as if trying to close it, but neither one of us was actually doing anything active. I searched for his face but it was in the shadows and looked completely expressionless. His eyes were black as the night around him, giving away nothing. I noticed that he didn't look as healthy from close up as he had seemed at first - there were dark shadows underneath his eyes. Like a stroke of ink on parchment.

There was only one thing I could do.

I turned and went inside, leaving the door open. He stood there for a moment and then followed quietly, taking in his surroundings - the kitchen on the right, the shoes cluttered around the floor, the coats hanging on the wall - and all of a sudden his face was full of emotion. He was reminiscing. I didn't know what had brought him to my door but if he could help me find Bella.. if anyone could...

"What kind of acquintances are we talking about?" I demanded to know, sitting heavily down on the couch. He avoided my eyes and stepped into the living room, sat on the armchair. He had sat there sometime before, I remembered suddenly. Before all this, when I still thought highly of him and his family.

"Just a few friends I have made that are very good at finding people. I guess you could call them some sort of... private detectives."

I wasn't buying it but decided I didn't want to know more.

"How did.. how did she disappear?" He asked me and his tone of voice was thick with suppressed emotion. Fear.

"I came home one day, found a note on the kitchen table and she never came back." I said, the painful memory making me uncomfortable - I didn't want to show weakness in front of this boy. "She packed very little things with her. There was no warning... one day she simply disappeared. In the morning she had seemed a little agitated but I didn't think much of it."

I was speaking like a witness would speak at the scene of an accident. A good witness. No emotion. Just facts. All the important ones.

"Could I see the note she left you?" He asked quietly. I got up and went to the old cupboard next to the door and pulled the note out from among other evidence that I kept at home. There were also a few motel guest book pages, signed in her handwriting but different names. Jenny Bell. Jessica Wilson. Laura Barker. Jane Jones. Jane Smith. Names danced on the page. Names that were easy to forget.

I closed the cupboard.

"I don't understand half of it... maybe you'll have better luck." I handed the note to him. I kept it in a thin plastic bag.

_Dad,_

_I am so very sorry. I have to go away, right now. _

_I am leaving with Jacob. There's been some stuff going on and I don't think he can handle it so we have to leave for the time being._

_There's something really important I want you to do. If you ever feel like somebody is in the house or has been, or that something is missing or something is weird - __leave the house immediately.__ I can't explain why but you just have to trust me, it's very important! Go to La Push and tell Billy about it, no matter how silly it might seem. Please, do it for me._

_Love you,_

_B._

I saw his lips move when he read the last paragraph.

_Love you, B.,_ his lips said soundlessly. He stared at the note intently, re-reading it, as if he was trying to memorize it. Then he handed it back over in a sudden movement that made me involuntarily flinch. I took it and put it back among other things in the cupboard.

"Are they searching for her - for _them -_ in other states?" He asked me, his voice quiet. I didn't turn towards him, instead I started rearranging the mess in the cupboard. He was completely silent and waited for my answer. Finally I said:

"They are looking for him, yes."

He stood up abruptly - why was every movement he did so abrupt, ready to scare me? He came almost to my side. I still didn't turn, but I noticed all of a sudden that he was taller than I was. I felt him behind me, too close for my liking, and I turned suddenly around, without intending to do so. Like some crazy survival-instinct would've taken me over for a moment.

His face was whiter than I ever had seen it before. His eyes were dark coal in the snow white of his face. I held the cupboard behind me for support. Why was I so ridiculously intimidated by this teenage boy?

"What do you mean - they are looking for _him_?" He asked in a low voice.

I averted my eyes.

"Bella is an adult. If she wants to leave, she's legally old enough to do so." I hesitated for a moment before continuing. "The only reason why I managed to put a notice of her even in here was because of personal..well, connections. And because before she left she had made an official statement about this boy Jacob Black. Or rather, of someone else who was threatening him."

"Tell me," Cullen said. It wasn't a command - it sounded more like he was begging me. I moved back to the couch and sat down heavily, rubbing my eyes.

"When you left... it was horrible," I begun. I couldn't bear looking at him, instead staring at the wrinkled-up carpet corner, but there was an accusation in the tone of my voice. "She changed. She wouldn't eat, she wouldn't laugh, she wouldn't meet her friends... She withdrew from everything. For a week she did nothing but sit in her room, staring out of the window or at the blank wall. The doctor said it could've been just a shock - we found her from the woods.. after you were gone. She had gotten lost and we found her after searching for her half the night, lying on the ground. She didn't speak or tell us what was wrong. I was so worried..." I had to stop, my voice definetely too emotional for my liking. Cullen was silent as the grave but I didn't look at him. I continued.

"After months like this, out of the blue, she got a little better. She started hanging out with this Jake and it did a world of good for her. I started seeing her laugh again when she was with him. When she was alone she was still...different. But when I saw her with him she seemed almost back to normal. Now I'll be frank with you, Cullen. I've always liked Jake and the Blacks have been like family to us. I was thrilled about this unexpected turn of events. Jake's a good kid. Or was, anyway..."

I had looked up at his stone face when I had addressed him and noticed he had silently moved to sit in the arm chair again. His face was pained and he wasn't looking at me in the eyes. I hoped I had hurt him.

"What do you mean,'was'?" he asked me after a while. I breathed out heavily.

"Well, then things started to go wrong again. Which brings us to the statement Bella gave me," I begun again. "About two months ago something happened. I don't know what, exactly. First there was the stomach flu going around... Jacob got sick while they were out on a date and had promised to call her when he got home but never did. Then Bella got sick, too. She was sick for about a day or so and when she got better she tried calling the Blacks and turned out Jake was still sick. Only then it got weird... They weren't answering the phone and when Billy did he just told no one was allowed to go to LaPush to see Jake. She was going back to her zombie mode... and I think that after a while she went to see him anyway. She came back... in a horrible state. I didn't know what to think. I thought... I thought maybe they had broken up or something. She was so miserable. I called Billy but we only ended up arguing. I didn't know what to do...

And that's how we get to the statement. She called me at work one day, sounding upset, and started spilling her guts. There's this guy at the rez who's been, like, following some of the younger members around, spooking the hell out of them. She said that Jacob's friends had all been afraid of him and then - all of a sudden - the same people skip school for a week and when they come back they're following this guy around as if he were their cult leader. She told me Jake had done the same - he had told her he's afraid of him and that "he's looking at me as if I were next, as if he's expect me to join his stupid cult one day." And then he had. Just like that. Done the same - disappeared for a couple of weeks and come back following this Sam-character around.

Now obviously the first thing I did was call Billy. He's usually quite well-informed about what's going on at the rez, and he got really upset with Bella about pulling Sam's name into this. Then he gave me a bunch of proof that Sam's gang has been doing valuable work at the rez, stopping drug trafficking and stuff like that. So that seemed like the end of that - no matter how much Bella insisted that Jacob had changed, there was nothing I could do about it, really.

And here's the strangest part: Bella and Jacob are fighting with each other, yeah? And then, one morning, they're back together as if nothing had ever happened. And then they do this... this eloping thing together. So obviously, what with her writing about the "stuff that Jacob can't handle" and "stuff they needed to get away from" - what am I supposed to think? Obviously she meant this Sam-thing."

I was quiet now, lost in my thoughts - I had started talking about the situation to Cullen as if he were my friend or as if I was talking to myself. Trying to find a solution. And yet, he was still the reason why she was gone. It was hard to grasp this fact. I looked up at him. He was staring at the floor, deep in his thoughts as well. There was a disapproving frown on his face and he also looked a bit panicky, now that I came to think of it - his hands were clasping at his chair's arm rests.

"And what about Mr. Black?" he finally asked me, turning his black eyes towards me.

"What about Billy?" I asked, surprised and caught off guard.

"In the note she told you to go to him if you notice something strange. Why? And what do you think she meant?"

I stared at him. To be frank I hadn't given much thought to the whole thing.

"I don't know. Maybe... maybe because Billy is Jacob's father. Maybe she thought that Sam would be dangerous or something." I said, uncertain. I had no idea why she thought Billy, an old man in a wheelchair, would be of any help. All of a sudden it felt as if I was missing something...

I didn't like the feeling. No self-respecting policeman would like this particular feeling.

"Hmm..." he said, pensively. He was staring somewhere over my shoulder but seemed to be deep in his thoughts.

I cleared my throat.

"So how exactly are you going to help with this?" I asked him, summoning authority to my voice. He looked at me as if he would've forgotten I even was in the room. It irritated the hell out of me.

"Don't worry about it, sir. I will take care of that." He got up, abruptly again. "My apologies for disturbing you at such a late hour. Please call me if you hear something more. I will do the same." And he was offering something to me - a card. I took it. It was of expensive quality but perfectly simple. All it said was his name and underneath his phone number. He was already at the door before I got over my shock at a 18-year old boy giving me his card.

He turned around before stepping out of the door.

"Oh, and has she been in any contact with you ever since she left?" He asked me.

"Um, yeah. Wait a moment..." I said, going through my pockets for my wallet. I had started to keep the card in there. I very often found myself taking it out and staring at it, trying the crack the mystery behind her words. He took it, scanned it over with a frown on his face and handed it back.

"Thank you," he said. He turned to leave, but hesitated. He turned his eyes towards me - had they always been this black? - and looked at me with a strangely vulnerable look on his face.

"I would also like to apologise, if I may, for causing so much pain to Bella. I can see now it was cruel and unnecessary - but I can assure you I thought I was making the respectable choice. For her, I mean. I thought... well, it hardly matters. Just please accept my apologies and know that if I'll ever see her again I will try my very best to pay her back for my poor choices."

And then he was gone, before I even managed to open my mouth to tell him to go to hell.

**Author's note: As I said I have no idea where this story is coming from. I'm just rolling with it. Please roll with me. And review!**


	3. Safe

**Disclaimer: Whatever it is, don't own it.**

**Author's Note: A lot of angst ahead, but fear not. They will have their brighter days ahead.**

_I mourn in grey, grey as the sleeted wind,_

_the bled shades of twilight, gunmetal, battleships, industrial paint._

_-Marge Piercy_

EDWARD'S POV

If I wouldn't have left, I never would've had to lose her.

I knew this in every fiber of my body.

I could have kept her forever - literally. It would have been the most selfish act anyone could ever commit but I had come face to face with myself now.

I _was_ selfish. It was my defining characteristic. I was selfish enough to leave her crying without a proper explanation. I was selfish enough to come back when it pleased me and I was selfish enough to want her back after all this time. And I was selfish enough to hate Jacob Black for mending her and for taking her away.

And I was afraid. I was more afraid than I had ever been. Because I knew exactly why Bella had left with Jacob, and I knew exactly why she had told Charlie to contact Billy if he felt something was wrong. Because I had a very good memory and I remembered the old stories, the old times. And I realized that it was I who had put her in this danger, thrown her to the wolves.

The wolves.

So I ran, faster than ever before, into nothingness. The trees flew by as if it were them that moved instead of me. I felt all the animals and birds and other things that had life flee from me when I ran in their midst - sensing my power, sensing the danger. I screamed when I stopped, emptying all the air from my lungs into the cold forest where it echoed from the stones and the mountains, only to be muffled by the reassuring green of the trees and moist bark.

I tore at my hair in desperation and screamed again and again and again. My skin was too much, my bones were too much - I felt the need to get away from them, from myself. I wanted to strip the ugliness and the mistakes away - the flaws and the rifts and the fractures in my _self._ Everything I had thought had been wrong. _Everything _I had done had been an error. Everything I was or ever had been or ever would be were wrong - I was wrong. My parents had committed the ultimate crime bringing me to this world. I hated them and I hated Carlisle for making me what I was now.

Most of all I hated myself for being weak. For being too weak to change myself, to break myself down to pieces and _change_ everything ungodly and bad I had become.

I sat down on the wet ground and became a statue. The darkness consoled me, making me feel as if I didn't truly exist at all - when the animals returned and paid me no attention I looked at them and felt as if I wasn't really there. If the animals didn't care for me, perhaps I truly wasn't even present. Perhaps the evil things I had done didn't truly exist either.

But I knew I was only fooling myself - a trick I had used before.

I sat there for a long time, replaying in my mind every single bad, selfish, cowardly and weak thing I had ever committed. I remembered Bella's innocent faith in me, in my goodness. I wanted to laugh at myself when I realized that being loved by her had actually made me think I was better somehow. As if loving her and being loved back would redeem me - but it didn't.

It made me worse.

My love for her made me lie twice as shamelessly as I ever had before. My love for her had made me hurt everyone around me, herself included. And her love for me, her naïve faith in me had made me the ultimate liar. I had lied even to myself; thought that perhaps there was redemption and hope for me after all. I had _forgiven _myself, because she had forgiven me. And I had been powerless with her - powerless to show her what a truly atrocious creature I was.

Because I didn't want her to think that's what I was. I wanted her to love me. I wanted her to have faith in me and to look at me with those big, brown, trusting eyes and tell me she thought I was a good person. I wanted her to forever think of me as her hero. I wanted her to think I was perfect, and I wanted to be. For her.

And the real reason why I had left was not because she had been in danger, even though that had been a part of it.

The loathsome truth was that I had left because I was afraid that one day she would have woken up and realized what an ugly person I really was.

BELLA'S POV

Tonight he kissed me for the first time.

We had eaten in the motel's restaurant. We had talked in hushed voices about where to go. Jacob had been thrilled, excited - I had been quiet, in my thoughts. To him this was an adventure, the perfect escape. He had never been further than Seattle, he had told me. He had never seen the world. He had never seen the sun when it coloured everything golden instead of green.

A part of him could never escape. He had torn himself away, made him the lonely Alpha with no pack - but he could still hear them sometimes. In his dreams. And he knew they could hear him, and he knew he was giving away information to them, but couldn't help it. He didn't know how to shield his thoughts. But he trusted his old pack - none of them would tell.

A part of me could never escape either. _He_ was always there, sitting on the back seat, disapproving. But I never looked and I never listened.

I had Jake now. He kept me in reality when the unreal threatened to pull me under.

Perhaps I shouldn't say "he kissed me."

Tonight we kissed for the first time.

We returned to the room, he jumped on the bed and flipped the tv open - we stared at the screen for some time. I couldn't concentrate and after a while didn't even know what was going on on the screen, so I decided to take a shower. I unpacked my shampoo and soap from my bag and disappeared into the bathroom. The water was hot, which was an improvement from our previous room. It felt good on my skin, relaxing my sore muscles and washing away the stress. I heard the tv in the other room and Jacob moving around, trying to fix the quality of the image. It all felt very safe. Like when I was a little girl and I fell asleep in my mother's lap while Renée was watching tv. I felt a stab of longing for my erratic mum. I wondered if she was worried.

I preferred the nights. It was the afternoons that were the hardest - when the day was quickly running short, making me feel uneasy. The mornings were always busy - we were packing our stuff, planning our next move. I had too much time to think in the car so I turned the music loud and tried to forget. There were always new songs, new singers. New feelings.

I stayed in the shower until the water started getting cold. I felt a bit guilty.

"Jake!" I yelled. "Would you have wanted to take a shower, too?"

"Nah, it's fine. I'll take one later." He answered, his voice muffled by the wall and the sound of water.

I turned the water off and dried myself with the harsh yellow towel. Everything in this hotel was yellow. Even the tiles in the bathroom. My reflection in the mirror was pallid among the steam. I slipped my underwear on and exited the bathroom with the towel wrapped around me. I felt cold in the fresh air of the room.

Jake rolled on his back and held his arms out. He had turned the volume off and the only light in the room was the tv- screen's bluish colours that danced on his dark skin. I climbed into the bed and snuggled close to him, warming up in his glorious heat. My personal sun, my Jacob.

He was smelling my damp hair, brushing it away from my face.

"I love it how you smell after you come from the shower." he murmured into my hair, breathing in deeply.

"Oh?" I asked, laughter in my voice. "How do I smell, then?"

"Like.. Bella, but stronger. A bit like strawberry shampoo. A bit like soap. A bit like the rain. I love it."

I laughed against his chest. I removed my wet towel and threw it on the chair. Otherwise it would wet the entire bed. I felt him stiffen a little at the intimate touch between us. He was wearing jeans but I was only wearing my underwear. I wondered for a moment if I should feel self-conscious. I didn't. He had seen me like this before, even slept next to me like this. It felt natural - my body was craving for him, for his warmth. It felt alien but it had become my reality - the warmth, the knowledge that he was simply _alive,_ his heart beating strong through his muscular chest, his soft skin, his humanity. Sometimes I missed a skin that was very different - but Jacob's body kept me so _there_ that sometimes it was hard to even remember.

_It will be as if I never existed._

Was this how it felt like? Forgetting?

Would I slowly replace his body with the body of another? Would my memories become faint and confused with other, more recent memories? Would _he_ simply cease to exist? Would it mean I would cease to exist, the way I had been? If he was gone, would it mean he never was there in the first place?

Jacob was so warm. I gathered my hair up and threw it over the pillow to make myself feel cooler. He buried his nose into my hair again. We stayed like this for a while, me staring at the screen seeing nothing and him probably staring at my hair. I reached for the remote control and turned the tv off. The tiny digital clock underneath the tv said it was nearly midnight. 11.57pm. It was so dark I could see nothing apart from the small digits.

"I love you, Bells."

His voice was quiet like a whisper.

"I love you too, Jacob." I said to the darkness. I felt him move, move lower on the bed so that his face was on the same level as mine. I felt his breath tickle my forehead.

I knew he intended to kiss me. I didn't know if I was ready for it, but at the same time I knew I had to be. When we had left I had left behind my right to care but also my right to refuse. I had given myself to him the moment I had asked him to leave with me. He had given up his entire life for me. We both had to accept the consequences of our departure.

And I did love him.

I lifted my head up, parting my lips. He understood - his lips touched me, soft as feather. They felt warm, different. But not unpleasant. They lingered on my lips for a moment and then he pulled away. I realized he was letting me choose. I moved closer and found his lips, engaging them to mine. We were both timid, gentle and so very young. So inexperienced.

This kiss didn't make me gasp and it didn't make my knees go weak. It didn't make my blood rush to my ears or my cheeks go red. But it sewed shut one of the many gaping holes in my heart.

It made me feel loved.

Safe.

EDWARD'S POV

I knew I would find Alice at home.

I saw a strange rental car parked on the yard and I didn't need to search the air for her scent to know it was her. I hadn't seen her in months and suddenly I felt nervous about entering. I knew she had been worried about me. And she had every reason to be angry at me - I had probably made her life a living hell. Just one more sting in my already hurt heart.

The entire family had fallen apart because of my actions - Jasper had fleed, taking Alice with him. Carlisle had given up his work - the life he loved - to leave, and Esme had followed. Emmett and Rosalie had left, too. But in their case it wasn't unusual to leave every once in a while. Now they just had nothing to come back to - only the ruins of a badly-functioning family. And it was all my fault. No-one knew about each other's whereabouts, no-one knew about me. I hadn't been in contact.

I had shied away, crawled into a hole to wish for death, torturing myself with my memories. I hadn't hunted in the first months. I hadn't moved. I hadn't noticed where I had ended up in. I felt as if I had physically stopped existing. I was only existing in my memories - in my memories of us together. I played and re-played every movement, every heartbeat, every face she had ever lived in my presence. I existed only in her, everything else was nothingness. And selfishly I wished she would never forget, because if she did, I would stop being.

In December when I finally started to feel responsability towards my family I had simply found myself deep within a forest in Canada, covered in dirt and leaves, my throat burning from dryness and thirst. I had no recollection how I had ended up there or how long it had taken me to get there.

I had attacked the first thing I encountered that had a pulse. The blood called out for me and I mutilated the living thing, satisfying my thirst violently. After the frenzy was over I was momentarily afraid to look at my victim - it could've been a human. But to my relief it wasn't - it was a deer. I ran through the forest, hunting, satisfying my thirst over and over again until I was filled with blood, my filthy outfit covered in streaks of it.

I had certainly looked terrifying. I stayed in the woods for days, running, until I came across a small town. I waited for darkness to descend and broke into a house on the outskirts. I had seen the residents leave in their practical family car and I climbed in from the kitchen window, without making a noise. The family had a dog - it barked loudly at the terrifying intruder. I locked it into the room of one of the kids and it continued barking behind the door. I was afraid the neighbours would come - but luckily the houses were far from each other and no one interrupted my process of cleaning up.

I took a long shower, scrubbing the mud and dried blood off of my skin, my body warming up in the hot water for the first time in months. It felt pleasant, and I stepped out of the shower the moment it became too pleasant - I wanted to be miserable, I wanted to punish myself.

The father of the family was smaller than I was so I had to sneak into the smaller bedrooms. I pushed the dog back to the hallway and inspected the room that proved to be residenced by a boy in his late teens. There were heavy metal posters on the walls and a drum set next to the window. A large cross had been hung upside-down on the wall. He was closer to my size but his taste in clothes was rather... dark. I thought it ironic, while pulling up black trousers and a band shirt over my head, that should he know who - or what - had ended up using his clothes, he probably would've been shaken back to reality from his dark little fantasies.

The dog was still barking and I realized I had left a mess behind me. I sneaked back downstairs, followed by the dog - it was scared of me, staying away and whimpering if I looked at it, but still barking when I turned my gaze away. I pulled a couple of notes from my wallet and threw them on the kitchen table as a payback and took off again.

It was freezing cold and my still-damp hair froze instantly. I couldn't stay this far north, it was too cold. Not because the cold bothered me, but because it made my inhumanity too obvious for others: there was no steam rising from my mouth when I breathed out, the snow didn't melt on my skin and my cheeks didn't turn red from the coldness. And because it was in the middle of winter the days would be bright in here, the sun reflecting from the snow. Making everything sparkle, including me.

I was too obvious, and therefore in danger to be discovered.

So I took off running back to the South, back to milder climates. On the way I was thinking of the cozy family that would come back from wherever they had taken off to, to discover that some terrifying stranger had broken into their home. They would call the police - the police would discover traces of animal blood from their shower. I wonder what the family would think - probably that some madman had broken in to their house to practice some sort of satanic rites. Perhaps the teenage boy I stole clothes from would be thrilled.

I had briefly met Carlisle and Esme in their new home in Cornell. I couldn't bear their undeserved understandingness and gentleness. They told me of all the misery I had caused my family, how everyone had disappeared. They told us that our family had collapsed. But they still loved me, they missed me, they wanted me back - and worst of all, they forgave me.

I didn't stay for long.

They reminded me of other things as well - such as Victoria. Victoria, who was still on the loose. Obviously she needed to be taken care of - if I intended to stay out of Bella's life I needed to eliminate every threat that she might encounter because of me. Carlisle could only tell me that Alice had seen a vision of Victoria somewhere in South-America. So that was where I headed to. I didn't call Alice - from what I gathered from Carlisle, she had had a hard time with Jasper who was blaming himself for the entire mess I had made. He said he didn't know how to contact her, because she usually called home every few weeks but always from a different location and always from a pay-phone. He adviced me to wait for her - she would show up when she was ready to confront me.

And now was the time. I had known it the moment I left the Swan residence. I knew she would come, because she wanted me to put a stop to this madness just as eagerly as I wanted to. So I braced myself, stepping out of the car and advancing towards the door. The lights were on in the living room but she wasn't there. I guessed she would be in her room.

I opened the front room for the first time in a very long time and stepped in. I grieved for the house and the memories within - how many times had Bella been here with me? How happy we had been!

I had been over-whelmed by emotion, stepping into her house earlier today (or late yesterday), seeing the familiar yellow kitchen cupboards and her blue coat hanging on the wall - Charlie probably couldn't bear to touch her things. Removing them would be like removing her.

No, Charlie was definetely one of those people who never moved on from their past, no matter what it might seem like on the surface. In that one sense, I had something in common with him.

It was quiet in my home. I didn't stop to relish in the feeling of home-coming. Instead I went straight upstairs, towards her room. I stopped when I realized her room was empty. She was in my room. The door was closed but I smelled her.

I hesitated, my hand on the door handle. Suddenly the door opened and there she was - on the other side, in the darkness, her face searching mine. Disapproving.

I didn't have the time to move when she slapped me. Alice had always been fast.

I touched my burning cheek with my left hand and then withdrew it. She didn't assault me further, instead withdrawing into my room and sat down on my sofa. She pulled her legs up and stared at the book shelf in front of her. I moved slowly to stand next to the sofa and sat down next to her.

"I guess I deserved that." I said quietly. "You may hit me more if you'd like."

"Oh, shut up, Edward, you melodramatic jerk!" She said, her tone more tired than angry. "I don't want to hit you. I thought I did. But you look like you've been beating yourself up on my behalf as well."

I knew what she meant. I hadn't hunted in ages again and it showed.

Her thoughts were a chaos of sadness and anger and fear. I couldn't grasp her emotions, she thought faster than I could listen. It frightened me somehow.

"I'm sorry, Alice. I didn't know it would affect everyone this badly. We have moved before, I thought it wouldn't become such an issue."

"Jasper... left me." Alice said, interrupting me, her voice breaking.

I turned to look at her, my eyes wide.

"Excuse me?"

I couldn't believe it - there must've been a rational explanation for this. Jasper worshipped Alice.

"Jasper loves you, Alice. You know that. I certainly know that. He will come back."

"He said he couldn't bear seeing me and the pain he was causing me. He felt like it was all his fault. Everything. He blamed himself so much, Edward. He said... he said I would be better off without him." And she bit her hand, sobbing without tears. I hugged her and she tried to half-heartedly push me away but eventually gave in, letting me hold her.

And I saw it in her head - the memories. His expression, his exact words when he left.

_"Please don't try to look for me, Alice. You deserve so much better - you should try and forget about me."_

_"Jasper, please! What happened was nothing - nothing! Don't blame yourself for Edward's mistakes!"_

_"I have to go - I can see it on your face, I can feel it constantly: you're in pain, missing the family, missing _me._ And I can't take it, Alice, not right now. So, please... just let me go."_

_"How could I let you go, Jazz? I love you - you're a part of me, you're more me than I am! Let me come with you!"_

_"Alice, I love you - I love you so much. This is killing me... I wish I could stay. Please - please, Alice. I _need _to be on my own!"_

And he had left, just mere three weeks ago, leaving Alice screaming his name in their apartment, sobbing in her hands. And the memory made me clasp her shoulders as I felt her pain, I felt it because it was _my_ pain. The pain of separation, of helplessness. The weight of a thousand mistakes was burning inside my head and I didn't know if I heard her thoughts or mine: on that moment our minds were one.

_I should've..._

_I could've..._

_I would've..._

I realized I was sobbing as well, for myself and for her. I saw every mistake, every wrong choice playing in my head like the worst of horror movies - I truly was a monster, hurting everyone around me. There was nothing good in me; my every action and thought was tainted with someone else's pain. I had caused so many worlds and lives to collapse around me. How could I ever mend this broken fabric of lives around me?

I didn't know where Bella was and I didn't know where Jasper was. My family was gone, apart from one who now hated me in my arms, and Edward Cullen had stopped existing - there was only this hollow, nameless beast that had pretended to be doing something good for a while. A beast that had tried to be a part of something good.

Only to come to realize that it wasn't in its nature to succeed.

JACOB'S POV

We woke up early. She was already awake when I opened my eyes, staring at me with a tender look in her eyes. I loved that look. It told me I was good, still a good kid - no matter what I had become. It meant she could still care for me, even knowing the beast that had taken my place.

I was no longer the same boy she had fixed bikes with in a garage, drank warm sodas with, or scattered schoolbooks all over her floor with, but perhaps I could be. She made me better.

"Morning," she said to me and smiled. I groaned a little.

"Do I have to get up?" I asked her sheepishly, noticing she had already dressed up and brushed her hair.

"Only if you want to eat." She laughed and I groaned again, pulling myself to sit up. She knew this was a way to get me to wake up - mentioning food.

"The breakfast ends at ten. Dress up and let's get going."

I hated wearing clothes nowadays. I would've gladly and without shame attended the breakfast in nothing more than my boxer-shorts, but common courtesy and her nagging made me dress up every morning, even pulling a shirt over my head.

"Approved?" I asked her, posing in my clothes. She eyed me up and down and then winked.

"More than just approved."

We went downstairs, my head spinning from her flirt. Sometimes I wondered if she knew her effect on me. Surely she knew how crazy I was about her, and was just toying with me? If we were still back home I might believe so - I could remember my confusion and pleasure, when she had once commented that I was "beautiful, sort of." Maybe then she had just toyed with me - but things had changed now. Now she was mine.

And I skipped happily to have breakfast with the girl I loved. And who, I knew, loved me too. Because she had cared enough for me to leave with me.

The breakfast was horrible - runny eggs, dry toast, bitter coffee and bitter orange juice. Some light, fatty bacon and grayish porridge. Everything tasted pretty much the same. I had noticed some time ago that Bella was carrying a notebook with her that she normally took with us to breakfast and she started writing in to it as always.

_Day 39,_ I read the upside-down text she was scribbling.

_The Washington Family Motel_

_Eggs, coffee, bacon, toast. Bad._

_Room: yellow._

_Decent._

_Check-out 11am._

_Going south again. Feeling tired. A little easier now. Jacob seems ok._

_1st kiss, 11.57pm, d38._

"What's that?" I inquired her, surprised. I had seen her mark down motel names but had never actually read them before. I was surprised she had marked down our first kiss among the other, rather mundane things. A part of me felt offended by it.

"I'm just writing down things," she answered, avoidingly. "But I'm afraid it will get stolen or I'll lose it, so I don't write specifics."

"But you're writing down the motel names - if someone were to find the book it wouldn't be hard to trace our way."

She thought about it for a while.

"Well, if I notice I've lost the book, we'll just go somewhere else, ok?" she said and pushed the notebook away.

I couldn't help it - I didn't like it. But I kept my mouth, because she had been so stressed lately. Maybe this daily habit would be the therapy she needed.

I knew Bella wasn't the kind of a person who would normally embark on a trip like this. She wasn't a very adventurous person, deep down. She was way too even-tempered for it. When she did something she did it well and all the way to the end and she took her responsibilities very seriously. I suspected that because of her slightly older age she felt responsable for me somehow, as if she was baby-sitting me. And it was strange, how sometimes I felt the same towards her - she was like a little girl, so fragile and lost, and I felt like I needed to protect her from the big unknown something. And I would.

I also felt like there was something she wasn't telling me, sometimes. She would look at someone for a moment with sheer terror in her eyes. Once we were parked outside of a big supermarket and she saw some woman walk to her car and she grasped my arm, her knuckles all white and her eyes big. And after a while she just let go and said she thought she saw something but it turned out to be nothing. And sometimes she was looking out of the window as if expecting to see something lurking in the shadows...

And sometimes she was seeing bad dreams, waking me up by screaming in her sleep - with some neighbour banging at the wall behind us - and I had to hush her before someone would come to check on us. Sometimes she wept in her sleep and it made me feel absolutely helpless. A couple of times she had said _his_ name, and I always pretended to not hear. But other times she was telling me to run, talking about someone coming or saying that she was afraid for me.

It was making me crazy, for fuck's sake. Her paranoia was somehow catching and I started to find myself staring nervously into the trees and bushes when we were moving out during dark, my body preparing for something that my mind didn't register. And I didn't even know what to be prepared for. It was indeed making me crazy. Maybe she was just afraid of being caught but it seemed to be something else. I wished I could ask her straight-forwardly, but I knew she would be reluctant to answer.

Well, no matter what it was, I could protect her.

"Jake?" her voice shook me back to present. She was looking at me, clearly having asked a question that I had not heard, her eyebrows high.

"S-sorry?"

"I asked where do you want to go?" She repeated.

"Oh... well, I figured we'd just continue along the same road." _Like always, _I added in my mind.

"No, but I mean... later. Where do you want to go.. to stay?" she asked, her voice uncertain.

"What do you mean?" I asked, confused.

"I mean we can't keep in doing this forever, Jake," she said very gently, her eyes holding me tenderly in their gaze. "It's been 39 days since we left. We have to, you know, stay somewhere. Eventually. Just.. stop travelling."

I looked down on my plate. I had known this moment of decision was ahead of us eventually, but I just hadn't realized it would be this close. But I guess it made sense - we were running out of money. We would have to settle somewhere and try to find jobs. We would have to return back to reality.

"I haven't thought about it," I said to the crumbs on my plate. "Where do you want to go?"

I lifted my gaze up. She pondered at the question.

"I think we should go to Phoenix."

This surprised me.

"Phoenix? But Bells, your mother lives in Phoenix. Don't you think they would look for us there? And besides, what if you'd run into her by accident or something? I know, I know - but it could happen, right?"

"I want to go somewhere warm and sunny." She said, her tone of voice rebellious. I sighed.

She always wanted to go to the South. We had been driving between the South and the North constantly since we left, and had already been to Phoenix once. Bella had seemed to enjoy it. We had parked in the desert outside of Phoenix Sky Harbour and laid on top of the Rabbit's bonnet, staring at the planes as they took off to countries and destinations we would never visit. We had tried to guess where they were going and how it would be like, laughing and drinking cokes until the blazing heat became too much for us on the hot bonnet. On the way back I had laughed at Bella's face that had gotten sunburns, joking that she should look like she was in her fifties by now with that skin, having lived in the sun all her life.

That had been a pretty good day.

I sighed again.

"Fine. Let's move to Phoenix. But let's stick to the other side of the city from your mum, ok?"

She smiled widely at me and I thought that not even the Arizona sun could blind me like her smile.

**Author's Note: Please leave a review if you like my story! And thanks for those two - so far - who have.**


	4. Phoenix

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

**Author's Note: I have noticed that people don't seem to be all too interested in this story, and I guess I sort of get that. Not exactly fast food. And also, althought I **_**hope**_** this is not the reason, I might be doing some spelling mistakes. Sorry, I am not a native English speaker, far from.**

**Thanks for those who have reviewed though!**

_All the interests of my reason, speculative as well as practical, combine in the three following questions: 1. What can I know? 2. What ought I to do? 3. What may I hope?_

_- Immanuel Kant _

EDWARD'S POV

Once we had calmed down we descended to the living room to talk. It felt better when there was more space - it was easier to be calm when the settings weren't quite so intimate.

"What do you intend to do?" She asked me.

_You must help me,_ her thoughts said. I looked into her eyes intently.

"I swear, I will. Just... I don't know how. And I don't know what I should do."

She considered this for a moment. I had already told her everything that had happened to me since Bella's fateful birthday, and everything Charlie had told me. I knew it had been painful for her to hear some of the things I was telling, because so much of it was attached to her personal loss. But she had listened anyway, her brain trying to find solutions, come up with plans. I saw, in her eyes, all the visions she had seen.

Most of it was about Jasper - she was his constant companion, following his every step. I wondered in my mind why he had even bothered to not take her with him - surely he knew she would follow him in her visions. But perhaps he, too, had been selfish. Perhaps it indeed had been easier for him to cope with his emotions when he didn't have hers to carry, too. I couldn't blame his selfishness and I knew Alice didn't hold it against him either. When he would eventually come back she would welcome him with open arms.

"I know," she said, her voice strong. "You have to find Bella and sort out things with her, and then we will go and find Jasper, and everything will be fine again."

_God, I sound like a child that insists upon something_, I heard her think. I didn't comment on her thoughts.

"Have you seen something about Bella? Anything?" I asked in a hopeful tone of voice. She gave me a dirty look and I knew why. I had specifically asked her to _not_ look out for her.

"No, I haven't," she answered, biting her lip. "But not why you think... When Jasper disappeared, I looked."

I shot her a furious glance. "But you promised you wouldn't!"

"Oh, you're one to talk, you who just asked me like a puppy waiting for a bone, if I've seen anything!" She threw back at me. We stared at each other like cats ready for a fight for a moment, and then I leaned back in my chair.

"Sorry. Just tell me."

"As I was saying, when Jasper disappeared, I looked. I was determined to find her and drag her to you and force you to get back together - " she held her hand up when I opened my mouth to scold her - "so that I would get my Jasper back. But the thing is, _I couldn't see anything!"_

I stared at her.

"What do you mean, you couldn't see anything?" I asked her, my mind blank.

"I mean that I looked and I looked and I looked and I couldn't see anything! Nada - absolutely nothing!" She sounded irritated and I could sense she felt ashamed, too. Alice didn't like not knowing things.

"Why do you think that is?" I asked her, my voice shaking. I felt how my entire already-feeble-enough plan was dissolving into the air. How could I ever find her if Alice couldn't see her? I thought of the millions of people living in this country - they were like ants in a huge nest. How could I find one ant among millions of others? How could I ever reach her before it was too late and she would end up getting hurt?

"I don't know!" She said, frustrated. "It's like something is blocking me - I know she's there, behind the darkness, but I can't reach her!"

"What if - what if she's...dead?" I whispered, my mouth barely moving, the horrible possibility slipping in to my mind for the first time. I thought of all the ways she could die - car crash, an angry werewolf, a mugger, a lightning, a fire, a serial-killer, alcohol-poisoning, fall from a hotel window... I felt weak and realized I had started shaking.

"Calm down, Edward," Alice said, lowering her hand on my arm. "I'll not lie to you - that's what I thought at first. And I decided that I would never, ever tell you. But then I compared - I tried to _see_ other people, people that I knew to be dead. And it's different. No, she's definetely there somewhere, it's just that she's...vanished."

I tried to calm myself down, scanning her thoughts. She seemed honest enough - she didn't seem to be blocking me or hiding anything.

"But you have seen her once!" I exclaimed suddenly, scanning her thoughts.

"Yes, but that one doesn't count," she said, seeming a bit embarrassed about her slip. I understood why she would feel embarrassed and in normal situations I would never ever look into her thoughts, catching a glimpse like this. But this was an exeption.

Bella in her vision was about to take a shower - she had a towel wrapped around herself and she was standing in a dimly-lit bathroom, digging through soaps and shampoos in her little dirty yellow toiletry bag. There was a pair of sharp scissors and she injured herself a little, drawing in a sharp breath when the metal scratched her finger. She pulled her hand out of the bag and I saw a small drop of blood gush from the cut - she put the finger under the tap and let the blood run into the sink among the water, holding her breath.

That was it. The only contact I had had with Bella in so long, the only real proof she was alive still - alive and still hazardous. I couldn't help but to smile a bit sadly, thinking of the many times she had most likely involuntarily hurt herself during the time we had been apart.

_Oh Bella, it would've been so much better for you to not fall in love with a vampire_, I thought. And briefly again I felt as if I had done the right thing by leaving, before the situation crashed back down on me.

"But this means that you _can_ see her sometimes," I said to her. "When did you see this?"

"About a week ago," she admitted. "But I have tried so hard to see her for three weeks, and this was the only thing I got in all that time. I can't control it at all."

She hung her head, ashamed again.

"Just keep looking," I encouraged. "I'll try to think of something else. The problem is, she seems to have gone to the South, which obviously makes it harder for us to follow."

Something was nagging at me in the corner of my mind - what had I not taken into consideration? I was missing something.

Alice snorted.

"That's typical. Why would she go to the South? Is she_ trying_ to make it harder for us to find her?" She said, irritated.

The nagging sound was stronger in my head - what was it? Something I had heard very recently. Something that would make all the pieces fit.

But my head was too full of things that had happened in such a short period of time - I was going through everything but nothing fit quite right. I felt as if I wasn't seeing the forest because there were too many trees in the way.

"I need to hunt."

BELLA'S POV

Today was more difficult. Perhaps because we had kissed last night, or perhaps because we had finally made plans - something we had tried to avoid doing up until now. Well, no matter what the reason was, today was difficult.

Today, _he_ was with me constantly.

I wasn't looking, of course. I didn't allow myself the luxury any longer.

Jake liked these kind of days. Not because I was unhappy - I don't think he was aware that I was - but because on days like this, I was very clingy. Nothing seemed to please him more than when I demanded us to stop simply because I wanted to snuggle up to him, to have him wrap his arms around me and hold me in his warmth. Hold me so that I didn't need to clutch at the hole in my chest.

And now that we had surpassed yet another gray area in our relationship, he seemed more pleased than ever when I let him kiss me. I sometimes wondered how this has actually happened. I had been so certain that our relationship would always remain just friendly and yet without me even noticing it had turned to something so much more.

I guess it had been unavoidable. Maybe I never even had a chance. Just like I never even had a chance on not falling in love with.. the other one.

I never named him in my thoughts.

But on days like these he was all I could think about. Even when I felt the blazing heat of Jacob's body press against me, I couldn't shake off the feeling that I should be holding something way less warm. And that the lips that claimed mine should be the ones that made me burn - because that's what _his_ lips had done; they had burned me until there was nothing left. Just ashes and a few weak sparkles left.

And those sparkles were the ones Jacob so gladly accepted, trying to make them flame again with his own fire. But there was simply nothing left to light up, nothing but some cinders and the false promise.

Or that's what it felt like on days like these.

On some other days I felt that maybe, just _maybe_, there was something else left to give him. Maybe I could be... not exactly Bella, but his Bells. Someone else, someone who could make him happy. I didn't care much for my own happiness, because I knew I could never be completely whole anymore. But he simply needed to be happy - how could he be my personal sun if he was unhappy?

And that's why we had to go to Phoenix. Because in Phoenix nobody could hurt us. I hoped.

I wrapped my arms tighter around Jake. We were lying in the back of the Rabbit, just having eaten sandwiches for lunch. Maybe it would be a good thing, this moving in together in Phoenix. At least we would have proper food, I was thinking. It got tiresome after a while to be always living on toast, coke, sandwiches and pizzas.

"Are you looking forwards to it?" Jake asked me, his voice hoarse in my hair.

"What?"

"Living together." He sounded very emotional.

"Yes. I think it will be a good thing," I said almost truthfully. He started giving me little kisses on my hair, trailing a way down to my forehead and my cheeks, finally kissing my lips. I laughed and tried to half-heartedly push him away.

He was so eager to jump into this new life with me and I couldn't help but to love him for it. How could I resist his devotion? Did I ever think I had a chance? Yes, it should and it would be a good thing, Phoenix.

But deep down I knew I was fooling myself. Everything might work out and we could even be relatively happy.

But we could never be completely safe.

CHARLIE'S POV

I didn't know what to think about Cullen's visit when I woke up the following morning. For a while I was tempted to brush the whole thing aside as an alcohol-infused dream (I had continued drinking after he had left) - but I found his card from the kitchen table and sat down, staring at it for a very long time. I sat until I realized that it was too cold in the kitchen and I had to get up to close the window which I noticed I had left slightly ajar.

I checked my answering machine. There was a message from Renée, her tired voice asking me, the way she asked me every other day, if I had heard anything from Bella. I decided to answer later. I think she sometimes preferred to not be answered straight away, maybe to prolong the sense of hope. And there was not a lot of hope these days.

I didn't want to break the news to her, but in cases like these the searches would end quite soon - as a rule, if the people who were missing weren't found within one month, they would never be found. The trace would eventually grow cold.

And they had been away for over a month now. It had been nearly two weeks since the last sighting.

I rubbed my temples. It was hard for me to accept both as a police officer as well as a father, that perhaps there simply wasn't anything I could do. Perhaps I should just try to get used to the thought that I might never see her again.

I thought of Cullen again. He had seemed strangely convinced that he could help me. I was highly dubious, but I would gladly accept any glimpse of hope I could find - no matter how unlikely. Or no matter from how unlikely sources.

I didn't like Cullen. It wasn't just the way he had treated Bella - there was something about him that I just didn't like. I had never spent much time alone with him and when I had he had always been very polite towards me - he was from a good family, it was clear he had had a good upbringing - but underneath it all I felt there was something that I didn't like. I reflected upon the feeling, trying to come up with answers.

I remembered the uneasy feeling that had possessed me when I had first seen him standing in the darkness of my porch, and later when he had been standing behind me in the living room. In my beer-affected mind it had been easier to admit it than it was now - I was intimidated by him. I couldn't help but to think now that had I spent a little more time with him, perhaps I would have been less tolerant of him spending time with Bella in the first place.

But nothing made sense. The boy was 18, for crying out loud. In my head I was judging him as if he were a man. I certainly wouldn't be analysing Mike Newton's character this deeply, even if he happened to date Bella. Which I wouldn't really mind, to be frank.

But then again, if Bella were to come back and show any eagerness to date, I would undoubtably let her choose whomever she wanted, be it Newton, Jake or fricking Alice Cullen, as long as she would stay. And actually, I mused while trying to find a pan from the top-left yellow cupboard, I would way rather have Alice in the family than her brother.

_What the hell am I thinking? _I thought, finding the pan. _I really need to stop drinking. I don't do hang-overs well._

I started boiling water for my instant-coffee, still trembling in the cool morning air, briefly wondering when I had opened the kitchen window in the first place.

**A/N: Hmm... so far I am very pleased with the story myself. The plot is sort of opening up to me while I write. But I already know where this is going. Pls review! :)**


	5. Territory

**Author's Note: I have given up on writing diclaimers. Everyone knows I don't own anything, anyway.**

_"You've got to get to the stage in life where going for it is more important than winning or losing."_

_- Arthur Ashe _

BELLA'S POV

We were on our way to Arizona.

It was hot, as always.

_Day 41,_ I had marked into my notebook this morning.

_The Desert Apple Motel_

_Coffee, toast, apples. Ok._

_Room: No fan. Infernal._

_Check-out: 10am_

_Nervous, excited. Jake a little moody._

_Will take easy today._

We were at a department store. I was waiting at the parking lot, nervously trying to keep my head low in the car. Jake was taking quite long and I felt like people were looking at the car, staring. Probably it was just me imagining things.

I looked at my watch. He had been gone for 27 minutes.

I got up from the car to calm my nerves. I was wearing shorts and a spaghetti-strapped tank top but it was still too hot. On my head I wore a cap that made my hair stick to my head and shoulders and I took it off, reaching for a hair-tie from my bag inside the car and pulling my hair up. Then I pulled the cap back to my head, feeling guilty. I looked around myself suspiciously. No-one was looking.

We were parked far away from the front doors, with no other cars around. Perhaps our car was easier to spot with no other cars around but it was absolutely vital for the sake of our nerves to park like this. We had used the busiest parking lots in the beginning, but it had turned out to be too nerve-wrecking for the person having to stay behind in the car. Every time a car drove by or someone passed by the car, looking in - every gesture had felt like a threat. It was better this way.

He had been gone for 29 minutes. I was restlessly drumming the door which I was leaning on with my fingers. After two more minutes I finally saw him - he was advancing quickly and I could see it from his face: something had gone wrong.

I ran around the car, jumping on the driver's seat and starting the car, knowing what this meant: we would have to drive fast.

We would have to disappear, again.

CHARLIE'S POV

I yawned, warming my freezing hands against the warm coffee cup. My gaze wandered around the kitchen. I couldn't put out the sensation that something wasn't right.

It was early morning, three days after Cullen had unexpectedly visited. It was still dark and I was tired. Work was waiting however, and I would be working alone this morning. I stood up, gulped the rest of my coffee down in one sip and threw the coffee mug into the sink amongst other dishes.

I turned the light off from the kitchen and the strange sensation became stronger. I turned, scanning the surroundings.

Everything looked normal. The faded yellow of the kitchen cabins looked almost greenish in the faint light. The table was covered in old newspapers, glasses, bottle caps and other things that told the tale of my lonely bachelor's life.

I walked to the window and peeked out, pressing my face against the glass. I stared into the early morning, my breath steaming the surface of the window.

I saw nothing. Only the trees softly moving in the wind and the all-consuming darkness behind them.

Everything was like normal.

Except for the window, which was slightly open, letting a cold gush of wind inside and making me shiver.

EDWARD'S POV

My phone was ringing.

It surprised me, because very few people knew this number. I took it out of my pocket and stared at the caller ID. I didn't recognize the number.

"Edward Cullen," I answered.

"_Hello, Cullen. Um, it's Chief Swan."_

I held my breath, waiting eagerly.

_"You told me to call you if there's a new sighting of Bella."_

"Yes?" I encouraged, my voice shaking slightly.

_"We received a tape this morning, from a department-store in Arizona. They were both seen."_

I could almost feel my heart leaping in my chest. I was in the middle of the woods, hunting again. It would take me about half an hour to get back to Forks. I estimated I could do it in twenty-five.

"Could I come to the station?"

CHARLIE'S POV

I didn't need to put the video on when he sat down on the chair; I had already been staring at the video over and over again for half an hour - ever since I received it.

I pressed play.

_11.24. _said the digits at the bottom left. The video was not a very good quality one - it was just a typical surveillance camera tape.

We saw the car drive in to the parking lot and park to the top right corner. He came out - so very recognizable in his huge size, the way he walked and the way he was looking around himself - the universal glance popular among every person in the entire world who had something to hide. He went around the car and said something from the open window of the car. The window was rolled up and he disappeared from the screen.

I fast-forwarded 27 minutes and pressed play. The other door was opened from the inside.

And there she was, my Bella. Stepping out of the car, throwing a glance around herself identical to the one Jacob had thrown when he left the car. She was wearing a cap on her head. She leaned on the car door, continuing to look around herself nervously. A minute later she took off her cap, and at that point every doubt was erased - it was indeed Bella. She looked towards the camera once, pulling her hair up and straightening her shorts. She put the cap on again and looked over her shoulder, then checked her watch. She seemed agitated.

Then she moved suddenly, rushing around the car and jumping on the driver's seat. We saw Jake run towards her, fast as hell. She had already started the car and left immediately. The car disappeared from the screen.

I paused again, looking at Cullen. He was leaning in his chair with en eager look on his face, his eyes fixated to the screen and his lips slightly parted.

"I received this from the unit in Phoenix," I told him. "Now Bella is officially wanted in Arizona as well, since she's travelling with Jacob."

"What happened?" Cullen asked me.

"Someone tried to steal some lady's hand bag. Jake happened to be standing next to her and got it back, but the thief started running away. Someone called the security...well, now, you can imagine Jake didn't think it was a good idea to stay. So he ran away." I looked at the now-empty screen again. "Apparently the security checked the tapes because they needed him as a witness for the police. And someone recognized him from the tape... well, anyway. That's how I got the tape. But they already had a head start of about two hours before the police started looking for them."

"Do you think it's likely she went to Phoenix?" Cullen asked me, leaning back in his chair and looking troubled.

I hesitated.

"I don't know... I guess it's possible. Bella would probably look for something safe, and she knows Phoenix."

He stood up abruptly.

"I will go to Phoenix, then," he said.

And for a moment there was a look on his face that convinced me that if anyone would find Bella from Phoenix, it would be him.

JACOB'S POV

_There's something going on._

_We heard._

_We will protect him._

_Hide._

I opened my eyes, still smelling the unwelcome stench in my nose.

It was still dark, but I saw through the darkness without problems. The lines of the furniture seemed to have more depth to them than in the light; there was the feeling of something being close, _so close._.. and I noticed my entire body was frigid, bracing itself for something. I was shaking a little and I realized I needed to calm down.

Bella was sleeping next to me, her back towards me, her hair a messy jungle of seaweed on the pillow. She was breathing calmly, for once not fidgeting in her sleep.

Everything was calm.

I relaxed my muscles, my dream never leaving me. And I couldn't shake off the warning I had been given; I knew it had been Sam. I had known his presence in my dream as if he was standing next to me. There was the unique colour of thought that surrounded him - the shade of an Alpha. The shade I once had been forced to follow.

I closed my eyes again and decided to tell Bella in the morning. There was no use waking her up now, because we could do nothing at the present moment. I couldn't fall back asleep, though - the room was too quiet, the outside noises too loud in my ears: someone turning in the bed on the other side of the wall, the bedstrings wailing. Someone laughing at the reception. A cockroach lurking on the floor. A cough from the hallway.

It was hard to get used to the new noises in every place we slept in. I always slept badly nowadays, a part of my brain trying to keep awake to shield us from possible danger. I guess it was the wolf in me - I wasn't meant for this kind of a life either. I was supposed to have my own territory to protect.

I guess I sort of did have one, still.

I rolled over to pull Bella against me. It was our last motel, or at least that's what we hoped. Perhaps as soon as tomorrow we would begin our new life together. I relished the idea, eagerly looking forwards to the feeling of normalcy. I wanted us to live together - perhaps I would find a job fixing cars or something. She could apply to shops and restaurants.

It wouldn't be luxurious but we weren't the type of people to have big dreams. We would be happy.

I kissed her cheek. She mumbled something in her sleep.

_Edward_, I heard.

I pretended not to.

**A/N: Please leave a review, I am really in the need of one. I left my long-term boyfriend today and it was by no means an easy decision. Writing this story is my therapy.**


	6. Jealousy

**Author's Note:**

**I don't own the song lyrics I borrowed and I don't own Twilight.**

**And I would like to thank the people who have given me such lovely reviews, such as the anonymous visitor "Cybele", IcarusToSun and ESPECIALLY I'm thankful to you moore8879 - you are amazing!:)**

**Please read my note at the end of this chapter. And now to the story - enjoy!**

_**"Our bodies moved and hardened**_

_**Hurting parts of your garden**_

_**With no room for a pardon**_

_**In a place where no one knows what we have done**_

_**Do you come**_

_**Together ever with him?**_

_**And is he dark enough?**_

_**Enough to see your light?**_

_**And do you brush your teeth before you kiss?**_

_**Do you miss my smell?**_

_**And is he bold enough to take you on?**_

_**Do you feel like you belong?**_

_**And does he drive you wild?**_

_**Or just mildly free?**_

_**What about me?"**_

_**-Damien Rice, "Accidental Babies"**_

BELLA'S POV

_Day 49_

_Phoenix, The Phoenix Sun_

_Apple juice, toast. Ok._

_Jake has an interview._

_I am looking for a job. And an apartment._

_**Day 50**_

_**Phoenix, The Arizonan Tourist Inn**_

_**Toast, coffee, pancakes. Good. **_

_**Jake is at his new work.**_

_**I found an apartment. When will we move?**_

_Day 51_

_Phoenix, The Arizonan Tourist Inn_

_Toast, coffee, pancakes, again._

_Jake is at work. He likes it._

_Will move tomorrow._

_I wish I had a job._

_I miss...him._

_**Day 52**_

_**Phoenix**_

_**Jake is at work.**_

_**New apartment. Lots of cleaning up to do, which is good..**_

_**I wonder how Charlie is doing?**_

_Day 53_

_Phoenix, new apt._

_Jake is at work._

_Have nothing to do._

_Am going crazy._

_**Day 59**_

_**Phoenix, home.**_

_**Jake is at work. I will work today as well.**_

_**Can't wait to get out of the apartment.**_

_**Things are looking up.**_

Our new apartment was horrible.

It was an old building on the outskirts of the city - the windows were high and let a lot of sunshine in, but everything was very factory-like and unclean. Most likely that's exactly what it had been a long time ago: a factory. There were pipes and other things circulating around the walls, sloppily painted in white or light orange or yellow or whatever colour the renovator had happened to get his hands on. And the large windows weren't necessarily a good thing in Arizona either: every morning the sun would greet us early and keep on grilling us throughout the day without a pause until past six PM. We tried to block the windows with sheets, which made the sunlight dye everything light yellow. This colour made me feel strangely uneasy, because it made it look as if it were constantly my least favourite part of the day: afternoon.

I guess it was better than the heat, but sometimes I felt like I was trapped in the apartment, the blocked windows hiding me from everything. And everyone.

Jake found a job almost straight away, fixing cars and motorcycles and trailers. We really got lucky that way. I guess his easy smile, big size and obvious skills worked as his asset - I didn't have such luck. I tried everywhere, but the only thing I managed to find was working three hours every Friday and four hours every Saturday in a busy lunch canteen for reconstruction workers.

The job was hard and I had to tolerate the constant jeering of the workers. The wages were paid in cash after every shift, my boss always inquiring me with a sneer if I had had a good day, and I could guess that I wouldn't have been the first one to quit the job without notice. Jake didn't like the place, I could tell. He had started to escort me to work and back every Saturday when he himself was off, throwing ugly glances at the workers. They shied away from his angry stares, scared of his bulky form and the _somethingness _that seemed to tell human males that he wasn't one to mess with. I noticed that women seemed more oblivious to this fact - they were giving him apparaising glances whenever they passed him by, and ugly ones at me.

This disturbingly reminded me of the times I had moved out in public with _him,_ seeing women throw gooey looks his way and reading their obvious dislike for me from their eyes. I had tried not to care because he hadn't cared - and that's how I coped this time as well; simply turning my head away.

I felt lonelier than ever in here, knowing that it was so unlikely for us to be found. This was supposed to be a good thing - after all, it was the main reason we had come here.

But _he_ could never come here. And sometimes I felt I would gladly exchange my peace for some hope

Working only on Saturdays left me way too much time to wander around the grubby apartment, wishing Jacob would be at home. Every time he left the hole in my chest ripped wide again and on the worst days left me lying on the floor, clutching my chest and crying, trying to keep my heart in one piece and trying to keep _him_ in, because if I would stop holding myself a part of him would leave.

And I couldn't let him leave me. I had already forgotten so much; the exact tone of his voice, his laughter... I could only dimly remember how it sounded. Sometimes I couldn't even remember what his face looked like.

Sometimes I felt anger. I hated him because he hadn't loved me, and I hated myself for being so unlovable.

He had to be somewhere still. Forever repeating high school, throwing mysterious glances at schoolgirls and dazzling them with the velvet of his voice, whispering sweet nothings into their ears.

Had he already chosen his new Bella?

Had _I_ been his first Bella?

In my pulsating, violently beating heart he had carved his name with a blunt knife, leaving the wound open and bleeding in his wake.

JACOB'S POV

I never told her that I had smelled a vampire near our flat.

It had happened one early morning when I was leaving home for work, tired and looking forwards to the weekend. The too-sweet stench made me stop in my tracks, hitting my senses like a wall.

I had spinned around in the empty hallway, ready to rush back inside and phase (my body expecting it eagerly, as it always did - I hadn't phased in ages and my every cell was longing for it) but decided to follow the stench - perhaps it would be harder to catch the intruder later. I ran outside where the smell dissolved into other smells. There was only gasoline, trash and cigarette smoke here. The trail was old - most likely the vampire had been there last night when we had slept. But we were still alive.

I didn't go to work that day, pretending I was sick. The following night I spent lying awake in our bed, listening to every sound and ready to jump up. She was sleeping restlessly as well, tossing around among the sheets, her hair tangled and glued against her sweaty forehead. She was mumbling in her sleep but nothing coherent. I kissed her temple and wiped the hair off of her face.

"I love you, Bella," I whispered into her ear. She seemed to calm down a bit, hearing that. I let my hands trail along the skin in between her breasts, very softly so I wouldn't wake her up.

I wanted more, I always did.

Days passed by and I shied away from telling her. I didn't want to mention the word "vampire" in her presence - I had never even told her about Sam's warning, after the unknown vampire had visited her old house in Forks. Charlie had been all right, after all. Why worry her?

Every day when I was at work I decided to tell her about the visit. After all, she could be in danger. And every evening when I came home and saw her relieved and happy smile, I couldn't. After a while I relaxed - if the visitor was after us in any way, surely we would've been attacked already? Perhaps it had been nothing more than a coincidence.

And if it was _him_, well... just one more reason to not tell her. I hoped he had left for good, seeing her happy and safe with me.

She was mine.

When I waited for sleep to come I closed my eyes and imagined what it would be like to truly have her. Sometimes I touched her when she was so deeply asleep I knew she wouldn't wake up. I always felt guilty for it in the morning when she woke up and gave me a sleepy, innocent smile. But when the darkness came I let my fingers creep along her skin, caressing her. Sometimes she seemed to enjoy it in her sleep - she would moan and her scent would become stronger.

I yearned for her body, I yearned to possess her and make her scream for me to take her. I wanted to tangle my fingers into her hair and make her arch her back underneath my thrusts. I wanted her mouth open and eyes shut, trembling and wet and ready for me. I wanted to fuck her until she had no thought, no room, nothing but me. I wanted to fuck her so that she would love me as desperately as I loved her.

And above all, I wanted to fuck her until she'd forget she wanted to be fucked by _him._

EDWARD'S POV

I felt like a real vampire, here in the South.

I could only move during nights, sneaking in the shadows like the worst stereotype of our kind. I didn't know where to go, here in the South. I was in Phoenix, but I had no certainty I was even in the right city. Alice saw her sometimes, but she was always indoors. There was nothing that could point my way - not even a view from a window.

Alice was getting bored. She didn't like staying indoors any more than I did, but was more likely to show off her frustration than I was. And besides, her main job was simply to try and penetrate the walls of darkness that surrounded Bella, and it made her twice as frustrated. Even those rare glimpses she was provided didn't make her happier; they seemed to mock her because there was nothing of importance, nothing that would really make a difference. She could only see Bella when something changed, when something out of usual was happening. Sometimes it was her tripping on a chair and other times it was her dropping a plate or banging herself against various sharp surfaces and objects.

I didn't like seeing these things either. Everything reminded me of her mortality, her bad luck, her _vulnerability._ I was living in constant fear of seeing something devastating, like a car about to crush her to death or some dangerous shady figure lurking after her on a dark alley, knowing how powerless I would be to help her. When it continued like this day after day, week after week I started to truly fear - what if we indeed were in a wrong city? Why would she have come here, so close to her mother? How long could she continue without anything hazardous happening to her?

I was pressing Alice on, trying to make her see harder. I knew it was in vain - she was already trying her hardest - and it only made our life more difficult. We both felt lost and scared, we were both without a destination other than the arms of those we loved. And we were both equally afraid of never reaching that destination.

And yet.

There was something in this city that compelled me to feel that she was near. I could feel it in my body. There was an invisible aura beckoning me near; I just couldn't find my way. I thought of the long streets, high buildings that surrounded them and suburbs behind them, busy people going to and fro between work and home, school and hobbies, and everything else that was alive and constantly moving in this city - somewhere among all this chaos was my Bella.

And even though I had no claim on her, I couldn't help but to hope she was still waiting for me.

Perhaps she wasn't. Perhaps she had indeed fled with him because she was irrevocably in love him. Perhaps she had forgotten about me. Perhaps she wanted to have a future with him.

Did I have the right to intrude? Did I have the right to find her any longer? Even if she was in danger?

Days passed by and I thought of her together with that.. with him.

Had they... been together?

I assumed they had.

Had she liked it?

Had he made her scream and beg for more? Where had they done it? How many times? How? Had they done it before they even ran away? Is that why they _had_ run away?

Had she wanted him the way she had once wanted me?

Had she wanted him... more?

I felt like a prisoner in my own head, held captive by the daylight, wandering around my hotel room and craving for her so badly I felt like I was burning from want and jealousy - and for the first time ever I hoped our kind indeed could go to sleep in coffins when the sun rose.

It would be a relief to let dreams take over and wash away the horror my existence had become.

**Author's Note:**

**Okay, there will be a big fat yellow lemon waiting for you in the next chapter. Unfortunately NOT with Edward. I know I know... a lot of you don't want her to have sex with Jake. Frankly sometimes I don't want her to have sex with him either! But because this story is basically writing itself she must. I promise she and Edward will enjoy themselves when they finally get together, and it will be better!**

**Review, please!**


	7. Lies

**Author's Note: Hello everyone. Turns out the big fat lemon shrank to a rather short and dwarfed one, because I noticed it to be rather difficult to write about Bella having sex with Jake while thinking of Edward - originally it was supposed to be a really long and artistic chapter about Bella climaxing while thinking of Edward. Unfortunately my plan failed partly due to the fact that I am simply too tired to think in English, at least well enough to be writing anything particularly creative and artistic, and partly because I actually just feel like getting to the part where Bella gets steamy with Edward, because it's waaaaay easier to write :D **

**and since nobody actually wants to read about Bella and Jake getting it on, I'll just leave it short and undescriptive. And skip everything but the stuff that's relevant. Well, I'll explain further at the notes at the end of this chapter.**

**Enjoy! (Or not).**

_"I seem to have been like a child playing on the seashore, finding new and then a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay undiscovered before me."_

_- Isaac Newton _

**BELLA'S POV**

_He was so beautiful._

_His lips were on mine, soft as a feather, smooth as marble. His left hand was behind my neck, his right one behind my head, pulling me close. I wanted to be closer, kicking the covers off of myself and glueing myself to him. It was hot, too hot - I needed his cool skin, the frost of his touch. His hand trailed down my neck and stopped at my breasts, sensuously caressing the skin._

_I wanted him so much that I was burning. I was on fire, real fire - my entire being screaming for him to take me, join me, enter me, become me. _

_He was undressing me, his long fingers slowly removing my garments. I trembled underneath his touch, my center yearning for him._

_"I love you, Bella," he whispered against my lips._

_I met his eyes with mine. They were golden, warm, and so very deep - I was falling into their depths, knowing no way back. His face around his eyes was pale and so beautiful I cried. _

_My eyes were blinded by my tears and I could no longer see his beauty._

_"But why didn't you love me enough, Edward?" I asked him, sobs tearing my voice apart._

_"Because you were nothing."_

There was heat everywhere. I realized there were real tears pouring from my eyes, like blood from a wound. And his name was still on my lips, his hands on me - and I was still burning for him.

I kissed him, holding him close, letting his hands roam on my skin. He answered my kiss eagerly, his body heavy on mine.

And even when I realized it wasn't really him, I couldn't bring myself to stop.

I would never have him. But I could press my eyes shut and imagine it was _he_ who touched me this way, _his_ hands that made me tremble. My tears were still pouring. I cried for myself and for him. And I cried for Jacob who wanted me, and whom I was betraying with my thoughts.

His lips were like burning coal on my skin. It felt alien, and strange. I squeezed my eyes shut tighter until all I could see were red, blue and yellow spots dancing on my eye lids.

"Bella?" Jacob asked me.

I opened my eyes.

"What is it?" His voice sounded genuinely worried. I realized guiltily that he must have noticed my tears. How could I ever begin to explain myself?

"It's him, isn't it?"

His voice was tired, disappointed. He sounded like someone who had just been confirmed something unpleasant they had been expecting for some time. Like a mother who's just caught their teenage offspring drinking, or like a boss who is about to fire their protegé after the third warning simply because they were lousy at their work.

The tone of his voice hurt me. And so did his words.

It was the first time we spoke about him.

I stayed quiet. He waited for me to say something, his body frigid next to me.

What could I say? I had no right to defend myself. I had used him.

I heard him get up from the bed and start pulling clothes on himself. He moved so quietly I could barely hear him. I was frozen on the bed, about to start hyperventilating. I knew what was going to happen, but I couldn't stop it from happening.

Jake was leaving me.

I felt afraid and weak. I had always known this would happen - that at some point he would get tired of me and just walk away. I couldn't blame him, but how could I survive completely on my own? How could I survive without my sun?

I opened my mouth to say something - to say anything. I couldn't let him leave me, not like this. Not without goodbyes.

Then I heard the front door being opened and slammed shut and I realized he already had.

**EDWARD'S POV**

I was there before the perfume bottle even hit the floor.

Alice was standing still as a statue, pure fear edged on her features, grasping at the sink of the luxurious Scottsdale hotel bathroom. I saw my own face from the mirror, and it was identical to hers.

There was fear. And shock.

I saw what she saw. I saw Bella bleeding, I saw her scream in fear and pain. And I saw her being bitten, time and time again.

She was running blindly to the door of wherever she was, her blood-covered fingers trying to open the lock in the darkness. And I saw the assailant come for her again - a blur of vibrant red, white and black. And Bella fell on the floor, her body shuddering in pain when the transformation began. But something stuck her, sending blood flying all over the floor and walls. There was a deep wound in her neck now, her hands grasping at it - and then she was still.

She was dead.

I realized I was grasping at Alice's shoulders and there was a desperate growl erupting from my chest. I silenced it, staring at her with wide eyes, realizing the mistake I had made. She stared back at me, her eyes glassy. And I saw in her mind how the pieces clicked together. The strong smell of the perfume on the floor made me almost nauseous.

"Edward," she finally said. "I thought... I thought you said you went to South-America to find Victoria."

"I did," I answered, my voice breaking. I hesitated. How could I bear to say it? How could I admit my mistake out loud?

"But I never found her."

**JACOB'S POV**

I guess I had always known it, deep down.

She had loved me, sure. But I had been in love with her. And my desperation for her had made me lie to myself - even when she had whispered his name in her sleep. Even when she had cried in her dreams for that bloodsucker.

It made me sick. I was driving away from the city, and my throat was burning from the need to throw up at the thought of it. After all this time, after everything we had been through, every morning we had woken up together, every evening we had spent planning for our future together - she was still so hung up on him that when I was kissing her, when I was reaching for her in the dark... she was still thinking of him, weeping for him.

I would've been happy to live in a lie. It would've been pleasant, beautiful, easy even.

But Bella had always been a bad liar.

I drove out of the city and into the desert. It was colder out here, the air humid and heavy. I parked the car by the side of the road and took off running. The stars were gazing at me from the sky like millions of tiny bright eyes. I was completely alone and free, and it comforted me somehow. I don't know when I had become a wolf but suddenly I realized I was running with four legs instead of two. It was easier now. Everything was. My feelings were simpler, more animalistic. I realized I had missed this.

And there were voices, gentle words in my head.

_Come home, Jake._

I heard them calling for me, welcoming me back. And I realized I had missed them, too. My brothers. Their voices were off-tuned and I heard them from far away, because I wasn't part of the pack anymore. But I could be. I would always have a home with them.

I would always be loved by them. And I knew I needed to go back.

It was strange to think that I had spent all this time running away from who I was, only to come back a full circle - I had become what I had always meant to me. A monster. Everything was blurry and confused - I didn't know where was the end of Jacob and the beginning of the wolf. Perhaps there were no edges anymore. Perhaps there never had been.

The air was crisp and I filled my lungs with it. I felt strangely free, relieved. It was a pleasant thought, going back home.

I had missed my dad, but had rarely allowed myself to think about him. I wondered how he had been managing without me. I knew it was hard for him to get by alone in the house, the wheelchair making everything more difficult. I felt guilty for leaving him to manage by himself. I wondered if he was angry at me for leaving him.

My heart felt heavy when I realized I had never even left him a note. In the deepest, blackest corner of my mind I had blamed him for what had happened to me. I had blamed him for the old bed time stories, as if it was his fault that they had nightmarishly become my reality. I had blamed his pride in me and the way he had looked up to Sam. And I had blamed his blood that was running in my veins, making me what I was now.

But when I ran everything melted together, the bits and pieces of my life - my love, my hate, my past and my future. The boy I had been and the monster I had become. The good kid I had been had ceased to exist and for the first time it just didn't matter. I was more now, more than I ever had been. And yet I was less, because I could never have back what I had lost.

_Come home, Jacob._

I started running back towards my car. I would need to get back home and tell Bella. I couldn't just let her worry about me. I felt nervous about seeing her, about telling her I needed to go back. I wondered if she would want to come back home, too. She had left because of me, so perhaps she would want to return with me. I knew she had missed Charlie. And Charlie must've been insane with worry. She'd be okay, I thought. She didn't really need me, not really.

She was stronger than she gave herself credit for. She was just so young and blinded by _him_ that she didn't realize it herself. And everything was in constant motion and moving anyway - if she would never get over him, maybe that was her fate in life. Perhaps we could continue seeing each other like we had used to, back home, and eventually she would grow to love me. We could love each other like we were always supposed to, before _he_ came along and left her in pieces. Maybe it would be effortless and easy, and we could pretend these months of insanity never even happened.

And if I was only dreaming... well, it was okay as well. I was stronger than I had thought, too.

I found the scraps of my clothing on my way back to the car and stopped to pick up my keys and my wallet, relieved at having found them. Soon I reached the car and phased back. I was happy it was so dark still, because I was obviously naked and didn't want to be spotted lurking about the highway.

The sky was slowly colouring light red on the horizon when the sun was rising up. It would be light by the time I got home. I opened the trunk of the Rabbit, groping for the oily old jeans and a t-shirt that I wore at work and kept in my car. I stated driving back, turning the music up and whistling along.

I felt light and peaceful. Everything had changed in such a short period of time, but the chaos had settled into something I felt was good. I loved Bella, but enough was enough. I wanted her everything or nothing - I didn't want the scraps and remains of love left behind by someone else.

The streets were empty and my mind felt clear and content for the first time in a while. Everything was fine.

My feeling lasted until I got home. It was already light in a dusty, yellowish way - the sky was light blue in the West and golden in the East. Even the depressing old factory building we lived in looked beautiful in the morning shade.

I ran up the stairs and opened the door, slightly nervous about seeing Bella after my abrupt departure.

I was greeted by a shady hallway. It was quiet and I became even more nervous, thinking that she might still be asleep. It would've been easier if she was still awake. I sneaked quietly towards the bed. Now I didn't really know what to do - should I go and sleep some more myself, or wait for her to wake up, or go and wake her up?

But it turned out I didn't need to worry about that for long, because my worries were soon replaced by more important ones.

The bed was empty. The room was neat, missing half of it's objects. Bella's objects.

She was gone.

**Author's Note: so as I was explaining, I decided to skip the lemon. My original plan was indeed that Bella and Jake have sex and while she climaxes she calls Jake by Edward's name, which obviously upsets him and he leaves. Might be a slightly cliché of an idea but if I would have had more patience with this, perhaps something would've come out of it. Anyway, I decided to skip the entire unnecessary plot line and just stick to Jake leaving and coming to terms with himself, which is the only thing relevant. **

**Next chapter: will Edward finally find Bella?Or not yet? Will she get killed by Victoria? Hmm... guess you'll have to wait for a bit before you'll find out...**

**:) pls review!**


	8. Stranger

**A/N: Sorry for the long pause in updating. I have been really busy this week.**

**Anyway, hope you'll enjoy! :) please review!**

_**"The future has a way of arriving unannounced."**_

_**- George Will **_

JACOB'S POV

The nearest police station was only six blocks away.

I walked inside, into the chaos. It had been peaceful outside but not in here - this was the station where all the nearby junkies and trouble-makers were taken to. They were making a lot of noise that echoed along the corridors all the way to the waiting room, kicking the walls on their way and swearing. Two men were just taken in, escorted by three policemen. The men were heatedly arguing and one of them had blood gushing from his mouth: it dripped on his chest and to the floor along with his spit when he was yelling at the other man who seemed quite keen on punching him again. A few empty-eyes girls were sitting quietly on a chair, one of them chewing gum and the other untangling her long, blond hair. A man was sitting without his shirt on next to the counter, a female police officer standing next to him with a stern look on her face. He seemed a little embarrassed when I looked at him.

Otherwise the room looked like any other public waiting room; yellowish, old, practical. I walked to the counter where an irritated-looking man was sitting behind a thick glass, going through some papers.

"Hi," I said. The guy looked up and measured me from toes to hair - trouble, he seemed to think, because he stopped whatever he was doing and gave a brief glance to a police standing on my left.

"I would like to turn myself in." I said, wondering what exactly I was supposed to say in a situation like this. Somehow this sounded all wrong.

"For what?" The man behind the counter asked me, quite clearly suspicious now.

"Oh. For running away from home at the age of sixteen."

He looked at me as if I was crazy.

"And how many years ago was this, exactly?" He asked me, his voice impatient, is eyes re-scanning me.

"Just a little more than four months, actually." I answered. "My name is Jacob Black."

And so there it was; the end of my adventure. It felt good, in a strange way. It was nice to be a kid again. To be told to that everything's gonna be ok - that they will take me back to Forks, to my dad and to my rez school and to my friends. I would hang out in the garage again, listening to Uncle Raf's old cd player and drinking warm cokes while I was fixing a car or a motorcycle. I could go fishing with my dad on warmer days and take part in tribe festivites.

My life, stretching in front of me like a tree towards the sky. Unchangeable, durable, rooted to its birthplace. Easy.

And that's it.

BELLA'S POV

I missed home.

When I had first moved to Forks I had been thinking of Phoenix often. I had missed the heat and the dusty air, the sound of the fan in my mother's kitchen and the smell of black coffee that she drank every morning. For seventeen years that had spelled 'home' to me.

Now Phoenix was a stranger to me.

The yellow and burned orange hues of the streets against the gray of buildings, the chaos of people who hurried to work with tanned, sweaty faces - I looked at it with the eyes of a visitor. I didn't belong here.

I could no more picture the Bella I had once been, the one who had been so content to live here. The Bella who knew nothing of mythical beasts, driftwood fires and old stories - who didn't know that somewhere there was a boy with bronze hair and dark eyes who would make her love so much it hurt to keep living after the subject of the love was gone.

Now there was only me left. The new Bella. The Bella who missed the green woods and the cold mountain air, and who thought of a little house next to the woods as her home.

My puffy eyes were sore against the pale gold of the morning sun. I didn't know where I was headed to, but I needed to get there fast; I was exhausted and needed to sleep. I had waited for Jacob to come back for some time, lying under the covers in the dark, but he hadn't returned. When I had seen the first rays of light slip in through the sheets we used as curtains, I had packed up and left. I knew he wouldn't come back for me.

In a way, I was glad he had left me. Jake had a big heart - he deserved someone that he could give all his affections to and who would return his feelings. I wondered where he was now. My guess was he had taken off towards home.

Maybe I should go home, too.

I felt so tired. I was more tired than I had ever been. The endless miles we had driven, and the long weeks we had spent in hiding had worn me down until there was only exhaustion left. I couldn't even remember the reason why we had left anymore. At some point the action had become more important than the reason itself - we had driven for the sake of driving, hidden ourselves for the sake of hiding. But it didn't really matter where we had gone, because we could never escape our fate.

Forks was our fate. We had rooted ourselves there like two trees that couldn't be torn down. Our branches could stretch towards the sky but our roots would remain in Washington soil. What had been the point of leaving?

I missed my home; I missed my room with the purple sheets. I missed the view from my window and the homey objects that littered the desk. I missed the cozy faded yellow of our kitchen and the squeaking of the upstairs' floorboards. I missed the sound of rain against the roof tiles and the smell of leafy trees out on the yard. I missed the history and the good moments I had had inside that house; I had laughed, jokes, kissed, _loved_ inside that house.

I missed Charlie. I missed my Dad.

I should go back. Even if it meant dying. I wondered if Jacob's old pack would protect me from Victoria still, even now that Jacob no longer loved me? I guess even if they wouldn't, it would be better to go back and make peace with Dad before I died. I couldn't stay here anyway - I had no money, no real job, no future.

I could go to Renée's house, I realized suddenly. I didn't know if she still lived there - hadn't they talked about moving to Florida with Phil? They had planned on moving around this time of the year if I remembered correctly.

I guess it was worth a shot. I guess if I had no other option I could just call Dad and let him know I was alive. But somehow it would be easier to see my Mom before. I hadn't hurt her the same way I had hurt Charlie - she was a free spirit. She probably thought it was only natural for a girl of my age to "go and try out her wings a bit", as she would put it. But my down-to-Earth, small town Dad had been hurt. I had abandoned him just like Renée had. With even less of a goodbye.

I headed off towards the bigger streets, trying to find a cab.

EDWARD'S POV

I had already been in a car looking for her along the streets of Phoenix when Charlie had called me. Alice had started seeing her last night - it was as if all the doors hiding her away would've burst open and we saw her, really saw her. We saw her pack up, weeping as she did so. We saw her leave, face the early morning sun with a pale face and teary eyes. We had seen road signs, changes in her plans - her plans were changing constantly.

_"She's probably somewhere in Phoenix," _I heard Charlie's tired voice from the other end of the line. It was in the middle of the night in Washington. _"Jacob called me a while ago... he's at a police station now, and coming back home."_

"What happened?" I demanded to know.

_"He briefed me about what has happened - apparently they've just been driving around until about three weeks ago they settled in Phoenix."_

"I meant, why is she not with him right now?" I asked him, trying to keep my tone under control.

It was quiet on the other end of the line for a moment. There was a beep on the line - someone (probably Alice) was trying to reach me. I ignored it.

_"They had some sort of a fight... he left and when he came back she was gone. That's all he could tell me. But she's probably still in Phoenix. Now we're just hoping she would come home, too."_

"Thank you, Mr. Swan." I said politely, cutting the line and throwing the phone on the empty seat next to me. I was nearly shaking from anger. How had the dog dared to leave her to manage by herself? I already knew she was alone, naturally. Last night when Alice had started unexpectedly seeing again we had seen her wandering around the streets on her own. I somewhat recognized the area she had seemed to be wandering in and was now driving around, anxious and eager to find her. I was afraid for her safety though, and had asked Alice to call me if she saw anything.

My entire body _knew_ she was close. I nearly expected to see her behind every corner - every time I saw a dark-haired girl somewhere I nearly jumped out of my skin. I couldn't wait to see her again. I was imagining it - her shock at seeing me.

I imagined pulling the car over next to her, opening the door and telling her to get in. Her eyes would be dilated with shock and she would undoubtably get in out of surprise and allow me to spend at least a few precious moments alone with her. I could take her anger. I just wanted to see her; to hold her in my arms for a moment or to do nothing more but brush her cheek once, before letting her go. I just wanted to know she was safe.

My thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of the phone. I reached for it, recalling that Alice had tried to reach me a while ago.

_"Edward? She's - -_"Alice started. "_I just saw - - oh. Never mind then."_

And I knew what she had meant to call me for, and I knew why I had picked up too late.

Because right then - standing next to a closed restaurant at the end of the still-empty road, gazing towards me, towards the rising sun - was a girl with dark brown hair and pale skin and wearing the same dark tank top and cut-off jeans that I had already seen in Alice's head. I had finally found her.

My Bella.

BELLA'S POV

I couldn't see any cabs around. A couple of cars were passing me by every once in a while but mostly the streets were still empty; the area was quite far away from the city center and became a ghost town during nights (apart from the most restless areas) and it was was still a tad too early for most of the residents to start commuting. The sun was slowly ascending on my left, already warm. It would be a hot day.

Perhaps I would need to get to the city center before I could find a cab. But how could I get to the city without a cab? All of a sudden I realized how hopeless my situation was. I was so exhausted I was trembling and feeling cold even in the sun. Perhaps I should go back to the flat? Wait for a couple of hours and then get going again?

I turned back around, walking the same way I had come from. I walked for a couple of blocks, noticing that there were a few more people around this time - they were getting into their illegally parked cars and driving off to work or opening up little shops at street corners. Everyone looked tired but no one looked as tired as I felt. I felt like I could barely stand. An elderly man with Asian origins who was fighting with the lock of his kiosk door looked at me apprehensively. I realized he must have thought I was a junkie or something.

I couldn't really bring myself to care. I passed him by, feeling his eyes on my back and turned yet another corner.

Shit.

Which way had I come from? I wasn't all too far away from our flat but I had never actually walked around in here (in fact I had rarely left our apartment except for work or running errands during the many weeks we had lived there) and everything looked different now that there was some life on the streets. I scanned the street right and left. There was a shabbily-dressed man walking a dog on the right, waiting for it to pee against a wall. A black car turned around the corner on the left, the sun rising from behind it. I raised my hand to cover up my eyes. The car was expensive and on an area like this would probably get stolen within seconds if the driver would abandon it for even just a few minutes. It was not a cab, however, so I soon lost my interest.

I looked at my wrist watch. 5.57 am. Well, people would start swarming the streets soon and perhaps I would get lucky finding a ride then, if I didn't manage to find back to the apartment before.

From the corner of my eyes I saw that the black car slowing down next to me. I looked up. The windows were darkened so that I couldn't see the person sitting on the other side of the glass. I looked around myself. Apart from the dog-walker this street was empty. All of a sudden it struck me that the person in the car must've thought I was a prostitute and was about to invite me in. I certainly could've passed for one, standing in here alone at this hour, seemingly just waiting to be picked up by strange, black cars.

Except that I certainly didn't look like a prostitute that would belong to a car like that. I saw my reflection on the car window and at most, with my dark eye circles and scruffy, revealing clothes I could've passed for a desperate junkie who was trying to sell herself to afford her daily dose of crack.

The darkened window started to elegantly slide down and I decided I wasn't about to find out about the intentions of the driver. I turned on my heels and started to walk along the road even though I still wasn't sure if I was going the right way.

It took me a while to realize that the black car was actually following me. What was the driver thinking? Perhaps he thought I was leading him to a more secluded place or something? I looked over my shoulder. The sun was reflecting off the dark front window, making me blink in the light. And the window was still open. It seemed to be calling for me and an irrational part of me longed to answer the call.

Irrational. That was a good word.

I stopped walking. The car slid smoothly to a stop next to me, its engine purring like a satisfied cat. I stared at the oddly compelling car, feeling strange.

Why was my heart beating so fast? Why was I so fascinated? Why did I feel like something was about to change?

Very slowly I lowered my head.

"Bella," was all he said.

And I started crying.

I hadn't found my way home but home had finally found me.


	9. Dying

_**He:**_

_**Why won't you come back**_

_**So we can talk this over**_

_**And stay for a while and be my lover**_

_**And we might live**_

_**Like never before**_

_**She:**_

_**When tears flood in**_

_**I cannot stay**_

_**'Cause we will never make it**_

_**-Humane "Good Bye"**_

BELLA'S POV

The ground was shaking. The car was shaking. I was shaking.

The world was shaking.

He was so _there_.

I stared into his familiar face and sucked in every detail. The curve of his upper lip, the perfect arch of his cheekbone where it met with his jawline, the familiar straight line of his nose; his eyebrows that shadowed his dark eyes like the wings of a bird. I had kissed them all, once upon a time.

And his perfect lips moved, forming my name.

Again.

And there was a strange sound in my throat and my eyes were suddenly blinded by unwelcome tears.

"Bella," he said again, and when my name fell from his lips it sounded like music.

EDWARD'S POV

What did I see in her eyes when she looked at me? Why couldn't I read her?

"Bella," I said, my voice repeating her name like a charm.

_Bella, stay, Bella, don't disappear._

_I need you._

BELLA'S POV

He couldn't be here. He couldn't.

I had finally fallen over the edge, spiralling into madness. The sleepless night and stress added to a long period of depression had finally stripped me from my sanity.

Why would he be here, in the middle of Phoenix, in the bright morning sun? Looking at me as if he had been looking for me? I felt dizzy. Actually, that was an understatement. I felt awake. And so damn gone, so gone from reality.

My surroundings were moving; I suddenly realized I was about to step in to the car. His gaze was like an electric field that pulled me towards him. I was a magnet and he was the universe pulling me to itself. The black hole that sucked everything else into itself.

What were his eyes saying to me?

I was still, my hand frozen on the door handle of the unknown car he was driving. Why was he looking at me like that?

As if he wanted me?

I remembered precisely the look in his eyes the last time I had seen him. There had not been love there, just coldness. Flatness.

I hesitated. This vision in front of me looked like Edward - why wasn't it painful to think of his name anymore? - and his eyes were like his had been, a very long time ago. When I still would've bet everything I owned that he loved me. But that Edward had never existed. Who was this stranger, a demon come to haunt me, who looked like him, but who couldn't have been him?

There was something I knew for sure: the real Edward would never again look at me with want in his eyes.

Tears clouded my vision again. His shape blurred and darkened in front of my eyes, as if he were about to slip back into the shadowy realms of my imagination, where he had emerged from.

_He can't go yet. Please. Let me say to him what I never got to say, _I begged an invisible force of nature, a little surprised by my own thoughts. And when the thought had slipped into my consciousness I realized that I thirsted and had always thirsted for it.

Closure.

If I could go back, to that dreadful evening in the woods... to the time that he left... would I do things differently? Would I tell him how I felt? Could I?

"Edward," I said. His name felt strange on my lips after such a long time. Before, in my mind, there had just been a blank space where his name had been. I couldn't see his face over my tears. Was he leaning closer? How long did I have, before he would disappear? Was he real or a ghost risen from my imagination?

He was waiting, but I found no words to say. I couldn't take it. I couldn't lose him again. I couldn't bear him leaving me again. I had to go, I had to go!

And I was running, away, away, away. There were people on the streets now; they looked at me with tired eyes when I sped past them, blinking tears out of my eyes.

There were boxes and chests I had sealed and piled up on top of each other, forever to be kept locked up and bolted to the shady, rarely-visited corners of my head. Now they were opening and crumbling down, and things were falling out into the light that I didn't even remember had existed.

I had to run.

EDWARD'S POV

She was running.

I was a prisoner of sunlight; locked beyond the darkened glass of the rented Mercedes-Benz. Could I let her go? Could I not?

If I were still alive, my heart would be pounding in my chest.

Could I? _Could_ I?

_Please,_ I begged the gods. _Please_ _let me kiss her, hold her, even just once before I die._

And I threw the door of the car open and was out in the air, in the sun, running after her faster than I had ever run before, pushing through, slipping past the frightened and bewildered people. A flash, a sparkling movement in the air.

I saw her running across a road two blocks away. I saw a car turn around the corner.

I saw her die.

BELLA'S POV

I was hit by something. Of course I was.

I was crossing a road, running. I needed to get away. There was no time to look.

There was just the sound of tires screeching against the pavement. I knew it was too late when I heard it. Someone screamed. I don't know if it was me or the driver. My head hit against the pavement; something shattered. There was a loud crack and a snap. And pain.

Then something else hit me. It was hard, unyielding, metallic – sending me back down on the ground with a yelp. My head hurt, God it hurt. I screamed in pain and surprise. Had I been hit my another car? Was I dying? Let me be!

But I hadn't stopped moving, even after being knocked down by that something. What had happened? I was somewhere else now; on an alley. It was dark here. Had I died and gone to hell? I didn't understand what was happening to me. A part of me thought I should be afraid; yet I was hurting too much to mind what was happening to me. My head was in flames; it was burning and breaking. I closed my eyes, watching the red and yellow spots dance behind my eyelids.

My head was throbbing. I couldn't open my eyes. Something brushed against me, very lightly. It felt cool. It felt good in the middle of the pain and the numbness in my head. I didn't understand.

"Bella?" I heard a voice – Edward's voice. God. Was he here? I was imagining things, I was sure of it now. It was Heaven: I had died and gone to Heaven. How else could he have followed me through that crowd in broad daylight?

But why was it hurting if I was in Heaven?

I opened my eyes. He was there, leaning over me. An angel. He was beautiful. I realized I was lying on the ground and he was holding my head in his hands. There was pure fear on his face. My head was hurting. A lot. Who cares? Edward was there, his lips only inches from mine, his hands against my head. The coolness of them felt good against the throbbing. But the fear in his eyes – I wanted to take it away. I was fine.

"Bella? Are you all right? Please, please say something!" He was begging me and I melted underneath his gaze. How could I not do what he was asking me? What was that now, that he had asked me? I frowned, not remembering.

"Ouch," I said; there had been a painful slash across my brain when I had frowned. I lifted my hand and pressed it against my forehead; I felt like my head might explode if I didn't put some pressure on it. My arm was hurting too. There was something wet running down my neck. I lifted my hand there, even though I knew already what that sticky something was. I could smell it. And I knew he could smell it.

"Bella," I heard his voice, and it sounded strange, muted, like it was coming from somewhere far away, Everything went black. Everything was disappearing. He was slipping away. I was slipping away.

"Edward," I answered him. My voice sounded like a question. _Is it you? _I wanted to ask him. _Why did you come back?_

The thoughts were slipping away from me, like a dream I was trying to hold on to. What was it that I was supposed to say?

_I love you. I love you. I love you._

Everything hurt.

**A/N: Getting there, getting there. It has taken me a long time to update, sorry about that! I started out in a new job and have been absolutely exhausted lately. **

**Reviews, please! ****J**


	10. News

_**Children are the only form of immortality that we can be sure of.**_

_**- Peter Ustinov **_

CHARLIE'S POV

My phone was ringing. It was an omen; bad or good? I groggily looked at the alarm on my nightstand. 1 AM. It had been a couple of weeks since I had heard any news.

Jacob had come back and I had seen him, but he had been of no help. He didn't know what had become of Bella since he had left. There had been something new about him, a quality of weakness I had failed to notice before. He had shrunk in front of my inquisition, avoiding my eyes. I hadn't been there ever since – Billy kept on calling me, but I wasn't returning his calls.

"Charlie Swan," I answered the phone, feeling in my gut that very soon I would hear something bad. Something very bad. It could be a work call, but something told me that this was about Bella. A flash of scenarios ran through my head: Bella found dead in a gutter somewhere, her throat slashed open. Bella found after a car had hit her; dead within minutes. Bella found selling or buying drugs, her arms full of bruises... Who knew?

"_Hello, Charlie,"_ I heard a voice. I recognized that voice, my God, did I recognize it. He wouldn't call me unless it was about Bella.

"Tell me," I said, my voice hoarse. I was waiting for the final blow; why wasn't he telling me? Why was he always so polite, never in a hurry? So composed? Why couldn't he just blurt out what he had called me to say and get it over with? I wanted to kill him, right there and then. Unless he had found her alive and well; in which case I would let him make babies with her and name their firstborn son after him.

"_I have found her. "_

"And?" I prompted him, my blood racing, my heart beating. "Is she all right?"

A moment of silence, a heartbeat of pain.

"_Yes. She is."_

I buried my head in my hands and cried in silence, forceful spasms taking over my body as I wept into the phone and tried to muffle my teary sobs from his ears. And he was quiet for a very long time, as if he somehow knew what was happening, thousands of miles away.

As if he knew everything.

"_She seems to have trouble remembering… things."_ He continued after my muffled sobs had ended. _"We are not certain, but it seems like she has some kind of a concussion – but we don't know how it originated."_

_Does she remember me? _I wanted to ask him, but I don't. And then: _does she remember you?_

In the morning I called the Seattle airport and ordered myself a ticket to Phoenix. I also called Renée.

"_Hello, you have tried to contact me! Well, I guess you knew that already. Just leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I remember!"_ Her answering machine greeted me cheerfully. It had been recorded years ago: at a time when I still occasionally called her number from an anonymous number just to hear her voice, just to remember better times.

"Hello, Renée. It's me. .. Charlie" I decide to add after a moment of hesitating. "I'm just calling you to… well, we have found Bella. She's in Phoenix, apparently in a hospital. But she's supposedly fine. I am coming there to see her. I will land tonight at seven thirty. Call me, bye."

My flight landed in Phoenix a little late from schedule. When I opened my phone I had received several calls and messages from Renée, who was ecstatic, weepy, over-joyed and dubious, all at once. She told me to come to her house. I called her and told her I would come there later; I wanted to see Bella before. She insisted on coming with me, but I told her she should come tomorrow instead. It was selfish of me, but I couldn't imagine carrying the weight of her mood-swings when my own mind was in such turmoil. Renée started crying on the phone; she had been drinking, I could tell.

"_My baby girl, Charlie! I have been so worried. No, you're right, I shouldn't come in such a state, I don't want her to see me like this. No, no, I have to come! What kind of a mother would I be , not coming?"_ and she started crying even harder. I heard a man's voice from the background. She said something back at him, and then there was a moment of silence.

"_Uh, hello, Charlie. This is Phil speaking." _I froze: I had never spoken with him before. A bunch of emotions took over me for a moment. Anger. Pain. Loss. I suddenly remembered Renée on the first evening after we had moved in to our house in Forks. She had painted the kitchen cupboards yellow. And after that she had turned toward me, with a big smile on her face and said:

"_I intend to get very wasted tonight. And then I intend to make love to you in every room of the house!"_

"Hello," I managed to say. My voice sounded flat. Had Renée said something like that to this guy, when they had moved in together?

"_I would just like to say that I'm really glad you found Bella. I mean, I'm not trying to be a father to her or anything – "_

_as if you could,_ I'm thinking. _You're only twelve years older than she is._

"_- but I really loved that girl, and Renée and I have been very worried… anyway, Renée is not in the best of shape right now, so perhaps we could visit Bella tomorrow and you could come stay at our place tonight and tell us everything?"_

Was he kidding? Me, staying over at their place? What was wrong with this guy?

"Sure," I heard myself agreeing.

Crap.

Phil sounded very relieved. Then I talked some more with Renée, already stepping into a cab and giving the driver the address Cullen has given me earlier. She had seemed to calm down a little, and agreed with me that she should wait till she's sober to see Bella. I affirmed my promise of coming over and staying at their place for tonight. It felt tiresome to talk with Renée; there were too many worries in my head tonight. I felt out of place here in Phoenix. It was too hot, too dry. There were too many big roads and too many cars.

After finishing the phone call I sat quietly for a long time, leaning my forehead against the chilly window. The a/c was blazing, and I was shivering. I was shaken out of my thoughts when the driver pulled in front of a building.

"We're here," he said. I looked up at him, surprised.

"What do you mean, we're here?" I asked.

"I mean: we're here," he repeated and looked at me strangely from the rear mirror.

"But I thought we were going to a hospital," I told him. He shrugged.

"This is the address."

What could I do but to get out of the car? I am left standing there with my suit case. I dug out my cell phone and chose Cullen's number.

"_Hello, Charlie,"_ he answered after just one ring, his voice politely pleasant and composed.

"What the hell is this?" I replied, equally polite. "I thought she was in a hospital?"

"_Oh no, she's staying in our apartment. There was no need for a hospital – we had my father have a look at her. She was fine, perfectly fine. "_

_Apart from not remembering stuff, _I added in my mind. I tried to think back – I was certain I had understood she was in a hospital. But what did it matter, really? If she was fine enough to not require hospital care, the better for her.

"All right. I am outside of the building right now."

"_I know,"_ he reassured me. _"The guard will let you in when you tell your name. Nineteenth floor; second door to the left."_

I went in, irritated. The guard nodded me in, scanning me from head to toe. I suddenly felt like I should've dressed up, or something. Ridiculous. It might've been posh, but I didn't approve of buildings with uniformed guards and wide lobbies and marble floors. They made me feel shabby. I was missing my home in Forks already. I liked its worn-out shabbiness, and the old feeling of it. I missed my kitchen with the yellow cupboards.

The elevator lifted me up smoothly. The nineteenth floor had expensive-looking cream-coloured carpeting and dark wooden doors. There were four doors, two on each side of the elevator, and I had forgotten the directions Cullen had given me on the phone. Had it been the second door on the right? There were no names on the doors, but I didn't need to hesitate long; as I was standing there a door on the left was thrown open and somebody ran against me, hugging me.

"Alice!" I exclaimed, surprised, but pleased. I hadn't expected her to be here.

"Charlie! It's so good to see you!" She chirped, smiling up at me. I couldn't help but to notice that she looked just as pretty as she had the last time I had seen her. And exactly the same; I could've sworn not one day had passed since I had last seen her.

"Come in, Bella's dying to meet you!" She continued, leading me towards the door before I had the time to catch my breath and get over the shock of seeing her. She pushed me through the door and closed it behind me.

It was beautiful inside the apartment. Not my style, but still: everything was design. Not in a flashy way, but in a "I-have-money-so-I-have-no-reason-to-not-buy-the-best-and-even-though-it-might-not-look-like-it-just-that-mirror-on-the-wall-alone-cost-7000-dollars"- kind of way. Very smooth lines and carefully chosen items decorated the hallway. However, it was a little dark inside the apartment, I noticed. I squinted my eyes.

"Could we put some more light on?" I asked her.

"Um, sorry, no. Ah, we have some… problems with the lights." She gave a little laugh. "We've already called somebody to come and fix them, but it might take till tomorrow… or the day after."

Bizarre. All this money, and they can't get somebody to come and change a couple of light bulbs. I shook my head.

"_Dad?"_ I heard a voice from the living room. It's all I can do to not rush inside. It was Bella – she was really here! And expecting me!

Alice nodded to me in encouragement and gave me a little nudge. "She's been expecting you."

She accompanied me to the door. I held my breath, turning over the corner. I saw Cullen first – his face was towards me. He was holding his hands around Bella, who stood with her back towards me, her head against his shoulder. I stopped; the scene was somehow very intimate. I felt like an intruder. And there was something about it that I didn't really understand – the way Cullen was holding her. He wasn't just holding her – he was grasping her against himself, as if afraid she might at any moment run away from him. I gave him a murky glance – she _should_ be running away from him. He had treated her like shit. He looked up at me, as if reading my thoughts. His eyes were penetrating, unreadable.

"Charlie," he nodded, a hint of reservation in the tone of his voice.

"Edward," I replied.

I avoided his gaze and looked at Bella instead. Cullen looked at her, too, with a gentle look on his face. It looked as if he was giving her a brief nod. Then he looked at Alice – something that I couldn't quite read seemed to pass between them. And then Edward suddenly let go of the clutch around Bella and taking her hand into his instead, giving her a smile and another small nod. Or was I just imagining things?

"Bella?" I asked, my throat dry.

Upon hearing my voice – as if she would've been waiting for it this entire time - Bella turned towards me, with a smile on her lips, and I felt my eyes widen in shock.

_What have they done to you?_

**A/N: What has happened to Bella, hmm? **

**To be updated shortly….: -) please remember to leave a review! Perhaps it will motivate me to write quicker ;-p**


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